Severus Snape's Diary
by Wonk
Summary: Snape meets girl. Snape tries to rid himself of girl. Snape can't. So Snape creates diary that he thinks is private. Privacy is overrated, anyway. SSHG, Companion to Hermione Granger's Diary.
1. Top Ten Reasons Why I Hate Harry Potter

**Disclaimer**: Harry Potter characters do not belong to me, and neither does _Bridget Jones's Diary_.

You asked for it, you got it. This it the companion to my "Hermione Granger's Diary".

Snape meets girl. Snape tries to rid himself of girl. Snape can't. So Snape creates diary that he thinks is private. Privacy is overrated, anyway. SS/HG, Companion to the infamous Hermione Granger's Diary.

Before you start...you might want to read Hermione Granger's Diary first, if you haven't already. Otherwise you might be very, very confused.

Find it at:

Dedicated to nightcrawler7082 (aka Deus Ex) for the idea, and to the soul cage for encouraging it!

No complaining about the SS/HG ship please

**Severus Snape's Diary**

**September 1st **

A new day, a new journal. Must think of something interesting to fill the pages, if only (and hopefully only) for my amusement's sake.

My last hours of peace before the wretched carriages come, with the screaming children and all the sugary food…

I must do something happy to distract my mind.

Ah, I know!

**Top Ten Reasons Why I Hate Harry Potter**

10. His hair. It's messy and distracting, and all the girls go wild for it. Rather disgusting.  
9. He's James's son.  
8. His fascination with Ginny Weasley  
7. That stupid scar just attracts people. If I glued a paper lightning bolt to my head, would I be able to get a girlfriend? Probably not. What about showing off my Dark Mark?  
6. I'm sexier than he is.  
5. He's James's son.  
4. He's too bloody popular.  
3. He's gets too much attention from Miss Granger  
2. He's stupid.  
1. He's James's son.

Now off to march to my doom. Hopefully the first years will be less squeamish this year. I prefer not to do anything to my hair just in order to keep ickle firsties from vomiting upon entrance to the hall.

**September 2nd**

Yes, time for some amusing stats.

_Number of Times Hair Washed: 0, Number of First Years Terrorized: 10 (personal best), Number of Potion Explosions: 3 (they just keep getting stupider every year), Points Taken from Gryffindor: 15 (satisfactory)_

Well, the Start of Term feast was more enjoyable than I had thought it would be. The house elves were kind enough to slip some Fire Whiskey into my cider, which lightened my mood very much. Unfortunately, got an embarrassing case of the hiccups during the Sorting. Had to exit, but had joy in finding Miss Weasley and Mr Potter snogging in the entrance hall. Fifty points from Gryffindor a v. nice way to begin the school year.

Today, however, was somewhat lacking. Albus had bumped into me in the hall, and I didn't notice that he had "accidentally" turned my black jumper a repulsive shade of pink until after double Potions with the Gryffindors.

He will suffer for this.

**September 4th**

_Number of Times Hair Washed: 2, Number of First Years Terrorized 23 (including the whole of Hufflepuff), Number of Potion Explosions: 7 (considering appeal to discontinue first year Potions classes), Points Taken From Gryffindor: 45 (superb)_

Ron Weasley seems to be stalking Miss Granger lately. Poor girl. As if Draco wasn't enough, already. Saw him slip something rather suspicious into her bag during class, but decided to ignore it. Fortunate that he didn't see me slip something into his cauldron as I passed by.

If he lays a hand on her…

I will be miffed.

** September 5th**

Oh, forgot to do something before that I sorely need to do.

I am proud of this idea. I find it very original, and am probably the only one within the school to do it.

Even if it is slightly cheesy.

Anyway…

_School Year Resolutions_

**WILL NOT**

Let Albus make a fool of me (modification: again)  
Let Draco make a fool of himself (modification #2: more than two times a day)  
Let more than three seventh year Gryffindors pass Potions  
Let Fire Whiskey get the best of me (modification #3: in public)  
Let Minerva coddle me for being 38 and single. She really shouldn't talk.  
Fall in love with Hermione Granger  
Go soft

**WILL**

Receive Order of Merlin, First Class  
Take a minimum of 1427 points from Gryffindor  
Keep Ron Weasley away from Miss Granger, for the Wizarding World's sake, present and future  
Help Harry Potter save the world (no matter how much I hate him)

* * *

All right, my friends, drop me a line and tell me what you think so far!


	2. The Solution to Every Potion Master's Pr...

**September 7th** Sunday

_Number of Times Hair Washed: 4 (had to succumb to party preparations), Number of First Years Terrorized: 0 (deprived of the opportunity), Number of Potion Explosions: 0, Alcoholic Mixtures Drank: 3.5_

Ah, it finally seems that the House Elves have perfected the subtle science and exact art of martini making. I'm rather proud of them. Though I would never admit that to anyone but myself. Between a dark glass of wine and a few rather well made martinis, I actually found myself enjoying the party.

But I admit that it is rather sad that I must resort to alcohol to have fun. Very sad, indeed.

Miss Granger was there, as per usual, looking lost and wandering about the punch bowl with an air of slight desperation.

To my horror, Madam Hooch had grabbed my arm to dance to some racket playing in the hall, and when I looked back, Miss Granger was gone.

I will have to check back later and see if she is all right. Um…it is…my responsibility to make sure no dark forces snatch the young ones.

Yes, that's right.

**September 8th** Monday

_Number of Times Hair Washed: .5 (didn't condition), Number of First Years Terrorized: 3 (I could have done better), Number of Potion Explosions: 1 (better than usual), Points Taken from Gryiffindor: 17 (felt like using odd numbers today. So much fun to see Neville Longbottom stare at me in confusion when I take 5.6 points from Gryffindor)_

Found myself giving a week's worth of detention to Mr Weasley for nothing more than looking at Miss Granger once during class. I _am_ regaining my touch. Next time, it will be a month.

On a more disgusting note, Mr Potter seems to be nauseatingly happy, matching the warm glow that radiated through 6th year Potions via Ginny Weasley. Am afraid that something odd and unnatural happened last night.

Must slip some anti-shagging potion into the school's water supply. Then everything will be right with the world.

Well, the student's water supply, at least. I don't think Albus would be very happy with me, otherwise.

**September 9th** Tuesday

9:09am

Sent lengthy letter to the Wizengamot requesting an immediate reservation of Order of Merlin: First class. Well, that's one resolution out of the way. Will probably be here by noon.

7:05pm

Damn. Will probably be here tomorrow.

**September 10th** Wednesday

Noon

I give up. There is no point to my life.

6:45pm

Wait, maybe there is, now. After an uneasy Ginny Weasley's request for a contraception potion, I seem to have fulfilled my purpose:

To told her to get the hell out of my classroom and stop shagging Potter.

If that doesn't deserve OoM, First Class, nothing does.

7:15pm

Though, on second thought, maybe I should have just given it to her. I don't want any mini-Potters running around Hogwarts. Not to mention a Potter-Weasley hybrid would just be too much to bear.

7:17pm

No…no, I still think I made the right choice. A Snape shall never doubt himself.

**September 11th** Thursday

_Number of Times Hair Washed: 1, Number of First Years Terrorized: 9 (gaggle of them were gathering near my door before class. Looked like they wanted my autograph or something), Number of Potion Explosions: 3, Points Taken from Gryffindor: 20_

There seems to be an extreme group case of underage alcoholism in Hogwarts.

Though, I would like to be able to contribute the growing stupidity rate to something other than lack of intelligence.

Sad that alcohol has to have such a bad reputation. I've even noticed that Miss Granger seems to be falling under its spell. Either that or the Time Turner she used is starting to have some odd effects on her sanity.

She seems incredibly preoccupied, especially with Mr. Weasley. I've noticed that there have been some rather odd and disturbing doodles on her homework, but I hope they're not what I think they are….

* * *

Thanks to: Alex T., Joshua Glass, butterfly813, sirius lover, Linwe Saralonde (Yup, I did base this on Bridget Jones's Diary, though that's more in Hermione's Diary than this one. I probably will make a sequel to Hermione's, if not both, when I read the actual sequel to Bridget), Summner (I'm glad I can keep him IC, it's hard!), Melwasul (cannon means true to the books, or, practically, in the actual books), DRACO'sGiRl, Stacey (there will be more top tens soon!), Madame Plot Bunnie, Loah, Piggie, Dues Ex (you should feel special :)), YSM, and Meriadoc / Celithrathien!

Please press that button and make a poor lonely girl's day.


	3. I'm Very Disappointed in You, Mr Malfoy

**September 14th** Sunday

_Points Taken from Gryffindor: 29.26_

In an odd mood today. That also seems to have floated through most of Slytherin, as Mr Zabini seems to have come around to speaking of himself in third person and referring to himself as a "she". Must be due to some gender confusion on other party's terms. I can think of no other explanation.

Draco has been frequenting the broom closet outside of the Head Girl's dormitories. Must find out what he is up to. Filch probably won't be too happy.

**September 24th** Wednesday

3:00pm

Ugh. Just…ugh. The nerve of these Gryffindors, taking it upon themselves to get up in the middle of a rather fascinating and vital lecture (by yours truly), walking across the room, and asking for a date. Not to mention it was _Ron Weasley_, and the person whom he asked for a date was _Hermione Granger_. It's enough to make a grown Potion's Master cry. Or wither up and die.

I don't know what I was thinking by only taking away ten points. It should have been at least a thousand. And maybe about seventy-two years of detention with Filch to Mr Weasley. Too bad that Filch probably won't last that long.

Must find healthy alternative to concentrate on. Maybe I should take up crossword puzzles.

3:15pm

GAH! Crosswords are a horrible, _wicked_ invention. It's rather comforting to know that I'll probably still be in my prime long after the mutated children of these Muggle Pop Idols are suing their parents for money laundering.

**September 26th** Friday

_Number of Times Hair Washed: -3 (It's possible, do not doubt me), Number of First Years Terrorized: 13, Number of Potion Explosions: 1, Points Taken from Gryiffindor: 0_

Managed to worm my way out of chaperoning Hogsmeade weekend. Take _that_ Minerva.

Now I can stay in my dungeon and brood sexily.

**September 28th** Sunday

Winky supplied me with a very interesting flyer today that I found tucked away in my bathroom. It was a tally sheet polling how "fit" some of the schoolboys are. She said she found it in the girls' toilets and thought that since it was "misbehaving by Hogwarts' standards" I might want it. Almost threw it away at first, but decided to give it a look over.

Must inform Draco that he's lagging behind. No Slytherin of mine will fall below fifth.

**September 30th** Tuesday

Lucius Malfoy was kind enough to pay me a visit this morning before my first class. He waited outside my door and almost slammed into me as I began to make my way for breakfast in the great hall.

"What are you doing here?" I kindly greeted him.

He really is an ugly man.

"I wanted to talk to you. That's all."

I grunted uninterestedly. "That's nice."

"I felt like doing something interesting," he said as I continued to walk down the hall.

"Really."

"Yes, do you know any particularly attractive women?"

"Not including students?" I asked. I couldn't help it, it just popped out.

He pursed his lips and glared at me. "You are joking, right? What are you, some sort of pedophile?"

Crap. "Of course not."

"Good, anyway…" He blabbed on for quite a bit of time while I failed to pay attention.

"Well, Lucius," I said as we reached the hall and he had ended his uninteresting, long-winded spiel. "I have breakfast now. And could you do something about Draco's popularity? It's severely waning at the moment, his rank does not satisfy me."

It is nice to receive a withering glance from a Death Eater. Especially when Lucius thinks that batting one's eyelashes is intimidating.

* * *

Thanks to: Skjeve (ya, I find that humor really cheers me up. If I'm reading an ansty/heavily romantic fic, I find that my mind is stuck there and it's a bit difficult to enjoy real life), Deeble, Madame Plot Bunnie (subtleties are my specialty. Look for more, this story's filled with them), SenshiofTerrah, death by caring, Mr. Norris, Kyra Invictus Black, Feverfew (yup, sappy love is blah, especially when it comes to Snape), Dues Ex (Hermione forgives you :)), Loah, tomzgurl77, Secret Agent Smut Girl, Melwasul, Mr. Krum, Aredhel Tasartir, winterspirit (I'm glad I can make someone's day better!)

Coming up: More Top Tens, odd obsessions, and maybe even a SURVEY!

Please press the little button.

Oh, and a not so silent plea: Please read my story "The Medicine Woman", it's not humor but at least _I_ think it's worth reading. It feels a bit ignored.


	4. Goal: American Amusement

A/N: You asked for a long chapter. Haha, your funeral.

**October 1st** Wednesday

Weird things are happening. I'm going to have to check into those.

In the meanwhile, Winky gave me a piece of parchment that looks quite promising for amusement. Must fill it out, as there are no Gryffindors around to take points from or Hufflepuffs to make fun of.

Have You Ever:

Lied: It's kind of a requirement in my lifestyle.  
Run away: From what? I'm no coward.  
Had sex: You're kidding, right? I'm _Snape_, for Merlin's sake.  
Done drugs: Actually, no.  
Drunk alcohol: See past journal entries.  
Broken a bone: My nose and right arm after a run in with the Whomping Willow.  
Failed a class: Again, I'm Snape.  
Been in a fist fight: No, but wands can do some quite serious damage.  
Dyed your hair: I bleached it once in my 3rd year. I was very misled.  
Been in a car accident: No  
Been out of the country: At least once a year  
Driven illegally: Specify "driven"  
Thrown a temper tantrum: Daily  
Been suspended: No  
Been expelled: No  
Given the finger: Only when Dumbledore isn't looking  
Rebelled against authority: While working for it, yes  
Been in jail: Actually, about 36 hours in Azkaban. Don't want to get into that.  
Kissed on the first date: Only kissing?  
Overcharged your credit card: They're rather primitive, if you ask me.

Basics:

1. First name: Severus. How appropriate that this one should come after the question of whether I've ever had sex.  
2. Middle name: Shannon. Tell anyone and you will die.  
3. Last name: Snape  
4. Nickname(s): Sevvie (how I loathe it)  
5. Gender: Male  
6. Age: 38  
7. Birthday: November 27th  
8. Height: 6'1"  
9. Hair color: Black  
10. Eye color: A rather nice shade of onyx.  
11. Race: Caucasian  
12. Do you wear glasses or contacts: No.  
13. Do you have braces: HA!  
14. Is your hair long or short: Shoulder length  
15. Where were you born: Athens  
16. Current location: In the bathtub  
17. Zodiac sign: I never understood these things  
18. How many languages do you know: Three: English, French, and Greek  
19. Nationality: Now, British  
20. Bad habits: Paranoia, loving too much  
21. Piercings you have: Nipple. Oh, come on, don't look so surprised.  
22. Piercings you want: None. The first was painful enough.  
23. Tattoos you have: 1, if the Dark Mark counts  
24. Tattoos you want: No more.  
25. Today's date: I thought we already covered this?  
26. The time: 7:08pm  
27. Ready for a bunch more questions: Good Merlin, hopefully not too many.

Family:

28. Mother's name: Lina  
29. Father's name: Sheridan  
30. Step-parent's names, if any: None  
31. Brother(s)'s name(s): None  
32. Sister(s)'s name(s): I'm sensing a pattern  
33. Favorite aunt: My parents were also only children  
34. Favorite uncle: See above  
35. Favorite grandparent: Granny, she always gave me chocolate  
36. Worst relative: I think my father pretty much qualifies for that honourable position.  
37. Best relative: Oh, can't choose...  
38. Do you get along with your parents: Well, seeing as their both dead, I can say we get along flawlessly  
39. Does anyone in your family understand you? Do I understand myself?

Pets:

40. Do you have any pets: Unless Winky counts, no.  
41. What are their names: Hm…  
42. What kind of animals are they: House Elf, I suppose. Though I have a feeling that Miss Granger would skin me alive if I said so.

School:

43. Are you still in school: Oh Merlin, I think I will be until the day I die.  
44. Did you drop out: No  
45. Current gpa, or last gpa you got: gpa?  
46. Favorite grade: Year? Hmm…probably 1st, before I actually met Potter  
47. Least favorite grade: 5th  
48. Favorite teacher: I'm not going to admit anything. Most of them are still here.  
49. Least favorite teacher: Binns. He's dead, he can't hurt me.  
50 Favourite subject: Defense Against the Dark Arts. You were expecting Potions, weren't you?  
51. Least favorite subject: History of Magic, fell asleep too many times.  
52. Do/did you buy lunch or bring it: Neither was ever required.  
53. Play any sports on the school's team: I tried out for Quidditch but ran into the goalpost. Wasn't a good year.  
54. Do/did you do any extracurricular activities: Potions club (1 member)  
56. Favorite dance: I don't dance.  
57. Favorite memory: I really don't have very many.  
58. Least favorite dance: Oh, but there are so many to choose from!  
59. Least favorite memory: I would leave this one blank, but since I've written something that is no longer a possibility  
60. Most humiliating moment: When the whole of Hogwarts found out whether I wore boxers or briefs. I can now say that I have now changed that choice.

Favorites:

61. Number: 13  
62. Clothing brand: brand? Tailor, maybe?  
63. Shoes: I actually prefer to go barefoot  
64. Saying: "I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory and even stopper death" -Me  
65. Tv shows: I don't want the telly.  
66. Sport: Quidditch  
67. Vegetable: String beans, no matter how often I'm told that they bear resemblance to my hair.  
68. Fruit: Strawberries  
69. Movie: I remember rather enjoying "Galaxy Quest".  
70. Magazine: The Potion's Master Digest  
71. Actors: none  
72. Actress: Anyone but Ginny Weasley  
73. Candy: Fizzing Whizbees  
74. Gum: Don't chew it.  
75. Scent: A woman's perfume (perhaps I should stop now)  
76. Candy bar: Aerobars, the chocolate of the gods  
77. Ice cream flavor: Pistachio and chocolate  
78. Color: black  
79. Season: Fall, when everything dies  
80. Holiday: Something that doesn't involve cheer, but maybe presents  
81. Band: Noise?  
82. Singer: Again, Noise?  
83. Group: None  
84. Rapper: Merlin help us all.  
85. Type of music: Must I say it again…  
86. Thing in your room: My bed  
87. Place to be: in my bed  
88. Radio station: Wizarding Wireless? It's gone down the hole.  
89. Tv channel: Again, I don't watch the telly  
90. Junk food: I like to indulge in an occasional pork rhine.  
91. Overall food: Chocolate, the darker the better  
92. Store: It does not have a name  
93. Shoe brand: I thought we already went through this?  
94. Fast food: Ew  
95. Restaurant: The Three Broomsticks is quite satisfactory  
96. Shape: circle  
97. Time of day: Night time  
98. Country: Canada. I honestly don't know why.  
99. State: of what?  
100. Boys name: Severus  
101. Girls name: Severina  
102. Mall: The one at Chester? No, no, not at all.  
103. Video game: ?  
104. Shampoo: Since when do I like to use shampoo?  
105. Board game: Chess  
106. Computer game: I do not have a computer  
107. Car: I do not need a car  
108. Music video: again…  
109. Swear word: Bloody. It makes easily amused Americans laugh  
110. Word: Death  
111. Month: November  
112. Cartoon character: …  
113. Scary movie: Since when are movies scary?  
114. Team: of what?  
115. Possession: King Theoden by Saruman. V. entertaining and not at all what truly happened.

What's the first thing that comes to mind when you hear:

116. Eminem: Yank  
117. Dog: Sirius  
118. Hot: Hermione (bloody…)  
119. Britney spears: I thought we went over this, too?  
120. Nsync: what?  
121. Real world: Which?  
122. Orange: fruit  
123. Choice: decision  
124. Fk: swear  
125. Bisexual: who?  
126. Black: That jerk  
127. Icq: Excuse me?  
128. Insane clown posse: Merlin help us all  
129. Linkin park: hat  
130. Jack: rubber  
131. Rainbow: nostalgia  
132. Cherry: shoes  
133. Cucumber: long  
134. Shark: powerful  
135. Lifehouse: Wonk  
136. Bats: Dungeon  
137. Leather: Ooh…  
138. Whip: Again, I must say "ooh…"  
139. America: Canada  
140. Water: drink  
141. Volcano: explode

Hm…someone couldn't count…

Private life:

186. Do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend: No  
187. Do you have a crush: Maybe  
188. Do you love anyone right now: Maybe  
189. Have you ever been in love: Maybe

Good Merlin, there are another 200 questions. I think I'll quit while I'm ahead.

**October 2nd** Tuesday

Draco seems to be acting odd lately, as well as Minerva.

Good lord, I hope it isn't what I think it is.

**October 6th** Sunday

_Number of Times Hair Washed: 1, Number of First Years Terrorized:2, Number of Potion Explosions: 7, Points Taken from Gryiffindor: 5, Toffees Received from Dumbledore: 17_

I think I know what's going on…

Well, maybe. The toffees are a clue. But I think the sugar is making me go soft.

Miss Granger, too. Poor girl, her self-esteem is already low enough. She must know that it only adds to her…

Shutting up.

**October 10th** Thursday

Longbottom showed up in my class today wearing what appeared to be a suit or armor made entirely out of paperclips.

Made a threatening remark or two and when he tried to change them back to normal, they promptly disappeared. A v. big shock to most of the female students.

I think the Hogwarts' males may now have some competition on their hands.

* * *

Thanks to: Joshua Glass (Hm, I'll check it out when I have time!), Mr. Krum, Wendynat, Len (Hm, I will fix that), Madame Plot Bunnie, butterfly813, Dues Ex (feel the pain of your complaining :P), stragurl2, Piggie (haha, again, this chapter is the fruit of your suggetion...), Skjeve, Deeble (I looked on the lexicon and it said that it was mostly probable that he's a boy, so I decided to stick with that angle while still wondering on his actual sexuality. I wonder if we'll ever find out?)

Review, please!

(Enters another shameless plug for Medicine Woman here)


	5. Goal 2: Finish the Bloody Thing or Die

**October 22nd** Tuesday

Filch is complaining about the constant disorder in every broom closet in the school. He thinks Peeves is doing it to annoy him.

Poor deluded soul. Can't he smell the hormones in the air?

**October 23rd** Wednesday

_Happy Thoughts: 0, Unhappy Thoughts: 2,762, Toffees Received from Dumbledore: 27, Ann Summers catalogues confiscated from Slytherin Common Room: 3, Cumulative of Pounds Gained by the Hogwarts Student Body in the Past Two Weeks: about 327_

Dumbledore really needs to stop giving out toffees. Besides contributing to childhood obesity, it seems to be having the most undesired affect on the girls of attracting more boys than usual. I can't even go down into the Slytherin Commons Room anymore. If I ever see Millicent Bulstrode prancing around in skimpy lingerie again, I am going to gouge my eyes out with my wand.

I have not had a good day. Besides my Dark Mark burning enough to give me a splitting headache all through supper (while Professor Victor took to sitting by me and randomly squeezing my knee. Wicked witch), Miss Granger and Mr Weasley's behaviour has been rather disturbing. The red hasn't left her face all day and she keeps continually picking at her chocolate pie, visibly sighing, and Mr Weasley was seems to be actually paying attention to something other than food.

I'm scared for the welfare of the world.

I also finally figured out what happened. It wasn't Draco that Minerva had taken a liking to, it was his father.

That's actually worse, somehow. I just hope she keeps some common sense.

And…away from him.

**October 31st** Thursday

11:00pm

Was called to a Dark revel today. How cliché. Of all nights, why couldn't it have been the 12th of November, or December 7th, or maybe even Fat Tuesday? Voldemort is completely lacking in creativity. Maybe next time I should suggest that Dark revels be held on random days instead of the most predictable date in the middle of the ol' cemetery.

The thing's losing his touch.

Not only was the date and location incredibly uncreative, we did nothing but sit around the whole time, drinking Fire Whiskey, playing poker on the tombstones, and discussing the activity in the business of agriculture.

Someone has something up his/her/its sleeve.

In the meantime, I'm quite confused concerning anything else in my life. Can it be that I'm losing confidence in myself?

Ha, yeah, right.

11:43pm

Great. Just great. Found the parchment in my bedside drawer and I find myself suddenly compelled to answer the rest of the questions.

This must be some work of evil.

190. How many people have you kissed: Quite enough, thank you  
191. Who was your first kiss: You think I would remember such a thing?  
192. How many hearts of have you broken: My fair share  
193. How many people broke your heart: Who says I have a heart?  
194. Best quote to sum up love: I really don't think of such trivial things  
196. Do you have a picture of him/her: Who?  
197. Please post it if you do: Post it? To whom?  
198. Do you have a picture of yourself: Unfortunately.  
199. Please post it if you do: Again…to whom?  
200. Do you go by looks or personality: Oh, I'd say personality, but I would be lying just a little.  
201. Ever kiss a friend: I have friends?  
202. Are you still friends: With whom?  
203. So moving along: do you smoke: No, unless cauldrons count, and the occasional clove cigarette.  
204. Do you smoke weed: Only when it's necessary in potion making. But if you mean smoking weed as inhaling an illegal plant product, no, I do not.  
205. Ever trip on acid: I slipped once in my Potions stores, but I find it quite hard to trip over a liquid.  
206. How about a little x: Excuse me?  
207. Crack, Herion?: No.  
208. beer good or beer bad: I'm not really a fan of it, myself.  
209. Are you the sissy who drinks wine coolers: Yes, actually, I am. Whoever wrote this, I hope they feel the sudden need to die. Because I'll come fulfill that wish for them.  
210. Do you like smirnoff ice: I haven't heard of it.  
211. Prefer beer or liquor: Liquor  
212. What kind of cigarettes do you smoke: We already covered this, you git.  
213. Are you a virgin: Didn't we already go over this?  
214. If no, when was the last time you got some: I don't remember, honestly.

Would you ever:  
215. Bungee jump: It can't be so different from riding a broom, so yes, I suppose so. Plus side is: if the chords break, Wizards usually bounce (see LONGBOTTOM, Neville)  
216. Sky dive: Again, can't be too different from broom riding.  
217. Swim with dolphins: No. They would probably attack me.  
218. Scuba dive: I wouldn't trust my breathing to Muggle made contraptions. Maybe with Gillyweed.  
219. Go rock climbing: No, clinging to the face of a cliff for dear life doesn't sound like my idea of fun.  
220. Eat crap for 1,000,000: No, since I have no use for American Muggle currency. Everyone knows it's glorified leprechaun gold, anyway.  
221. Turn your back on your friends for personal gain: Again, I have no friends. So yes.  
222. Steal a friend's boyfriend/girlfriend: Since I have no friends, and therefore no girlfriends to steal from them, I suppose not.  
224. Lie to the police: No. That's what Obliviate's for.  
225. Run from the police: Why run when you can fly?  
226. Lie to your parents: Well, not a possibility since they are dead.  
227. Walk up to a stranger and kiss them: Maybe on a dare, but I'm not really that shallow.  
228. Be an exotic dancer: Oh Merlin, did anyone else suddenly get a disturbing mental image in their head?  
229. Walk out of a restaurant without paying: No, I have Galleons to spare. I'm not cheap.  
230. Streak: Yes. But I'd rather pose: the body is a work of art.

Hm, this category will be interesting.  
I'll just pretend that "friend" really means "not particularly friendly acquaintance"  
Your friends:  
231. Best friend: At what?  
232. Known longest: Most likely Dumbledore.  
233. Wish you talked to more: None of them, really.  
234. Wish you saw more: Again, none of them.  
235. How many friends do you think you have: My colleagues are numerous. Death Eaters are great to poke fun at. I'd say quite a few.  
237. Who can you stay around forever and never get sick of: HA! None of them.  
238. Ever lose a good friend because you took it to the 'next level': After the Cruceatous or...?  
239. Craziest: Most definitely Dumbledore  
240. Loudest: Minerva. She has quite a dirty mouth for a Professor.  
241. Shyest: Goyle, Sr. actually. Though I'd contribute his quietness to ignorance of the ability to form coherent sentences and not to actual meekness.  
242. Best hair: I'd say that goes to me.  
243. Can always make you laugh: All of them, if you mean laughing at them.  
244. Best eyes: Oh, definitely me.  
245. Best body: Again, me. Though Hermio-  
246. Most athletic: Hooch  
247. Sex symbol: I'd have to say…me  
248. Hot tempered: See above.  
249. Most impatient: Minerva.  
250. Weirdest: Hooch. She has some identity problems. Dumbledore has to be a runner-up.  
251. Tallest: Hagrid, duh.  
252. Talented: None of them  
253. Best singer: Since I personally loathe singing, I should probably not answer this.  
256. Best personality: I don't know if they can be qualified as having personalities.  
257. Biggest drug user: I have my suspicions about Dumbledore, sometimes.

Have you ever:  
258. Flashed someone: Green or red?  
260. Been to Michigan: Wow, that would be a complete waste of time. And no.  
261. Gotten really REALLY wasted: Haha…if you taught my classes, you would on a daily basis, too.  
262. Gone to jail or juvi: I thought this was already asked? Bad memories.  
263. Skateboarded: How barbaric.  
264. Skinny dipped: Only when the squid isn't looking.  
265. Stolen anything: Hm, Lucius's wand a few times.  
266. Wanted to kick my ass for making this so long: Yes. Poor animal.  
267. Kicked someone's ass: Donkeys are really quite delicate creatures.  
268. Pegged someone in the head with a snowball: Yes.  
269. Broke a beer bottle: By accident.  
270. Gotten into a bar, under-aged: I live in Scotland.  
271. Kissed someone of the same sex: Um…no.  
273. Gone on a road trip: I fail to see the point in such a holiday.  
274. Gone on vacation without adult supervision: I find this question perplexing, as I have been an adult for…21 years now.  
275. Been to a concert: No.  
276. Been to another country: Yes. Again, I thought this was already asked?  
277. Talked back to an adult: You're kidding me, right?  
278. Got pulled over: On what?  
279. Got in a car accident: I don't trust my life to such hunks of Muggle-made metal.  
280. Broken a law: Numerous times.  
281. Given money to a homeless person: No.  
283. Cried to get out of trouble: I would not demean myself in such a way.  
284: Kissed a friend's brother or sister: No.  
285. Kissed a brother or sister's friend: No.  
286. Dropped something on the floor that you were cooking and let someone eat it anyways: I don't cook, but if given the chance, I would.

Opinions:  
287. What do you think...about pop music: Noise.  
288. About boy bands: Little known fact: these monstrosities were created by Voldemort to bring Muggles to their knees.  
289. About flag burning: I don't quite see the point in it.  
290. Of the war on terrorists: I'm not involved, we're fighting our own war.  
291. About suicide: Not very efficient, as you just end up as a ghost anyway.  
292. About people who try to force their opinions on you: I do not let them, anyway.  
293. About your ex boyfriend: I must laugh at this question. Since when did I have a boyfriend?  
294. About rock/metal music: Arrrrrgh  
295. Where do you think you'll be in 10 years: Probably in this same damn school filling out this same damn survey for the hundredth damn time.  
296. Who do you think you'll still be friends with in 5 yrs: Surely…no one? Though I do have some thoughts.

What did you do:  
297. Last birthday: Went to the Three Broomsticks and got drunk. Hagrid had to carry me home. Quite a fun time, actually.  
298. Yesterday: (See above)  
299. Last weekend: (See above)  
300. Christmas: Sulked in the dungeons.  
301. Thanksgiving: Um…we do not have Thanksgiving.  
302. New year's eve: Fell asleep at 9pm.  
303. Halloween: That would be today, wouldn't it? Well, in that case, read the rest of this entry.  
304. Easter: Threw up all day from eating too much of that chocolate death.  
305. Valentine's day: Shagged endlessly. Really.

Funny, it's midnight. Cannot continue now, as it would be under a different day and this entry would no longer be correct.

Oh well. Will finish them next time.

* * *

Are you sick of surveys yet? You really should be. But there's still about 50 questions to go on this one. If you don't want me to continue with the stupid questions, just tell me and there will be no more.

Thanks to: **Antagonist Len** (GPA means Grade Point Average, it's how most Americans (and maybe Canadians? I'm not sure) calculate how well they did in their classes. The best you can get, on a normal scale, is 4.0), **dira1**,** pumpkinpiebaby** (ah! Thanks for putting me on your list!), **little old lady**, **JustJeanette** (or maybe Chinese water torture?), **Melwasul **(it's counted for the day. So I don't know...it all makes sense to Snape, I suppose), **marajade179** (nothing, honestly! :)), **Skjeve** (I'm glad to see Severus reached his goal :)), **Wendynat** (I heart Neville), **baboon** (haha, sorry, it's not required to read them, they're not really that important, but some people wanted more), **Mr.Krum** (Yes, you did make me happy), **lelila** (the toffee thing is explained in Hermione Granger's Diary...sort of. Dumbledore basically uses them as a distractor so he doesn't have to answer questions), **Daintress**, **Lady Shadowlight**, **Miss Mina Murray**, **dara** (aw, I suppose a few of them are weird, but they are really my favorite 'ship), **Dues Ex** (3. Yes, that was on purpose. Lifehouse is my favorite band, and 4. Winky is a Hogwarts house elf), **Madame Plot Bunnie** (thank you, I hope to update MW again soon), **stargurl2** (I believe one of Snape's other fill outs is in Inigo Ziona's "Dumbledore's Inbox". Go check it out!), **Anirameg**, **Piggie**, **HuggyBuddy**, **Sarah Sparrow**, **Draco-FutureBF** (okay, you can have Draco. I'd rather have Snape :)),** the counter** (Urm...right), **ShagsTheDustmop** (your wish is my command :)), **Hogwarts, A History Gir**l, **Renegade Seraph** (ooh, did you get one? Those things are to die for. Unfortunately, you can't get them very often in the US), **tifsuz**, **xxGinnyxx**, **Loah**, **Mary**, **Feverfew** (argh, there's still a spelling mistake? I thought I fixed that...them), **little-lost-one, alamarang**, and **the soul cage** (Yeah, the whole adult/minor thing has been going under a contreversy sort of thing. The only way I can defend myself is that in actuallity, Hermione is much older than she would be since she used the Time Turner, so, technically, she is 18. And yes, Wonk likes Lifehouse :)).

Sheesh, that's a lot of thank yous. You guys are awesome.


	6. Happy Birthday to Me

**~November 6th~** Wednesday 

_Days Until 39th Birthday: 13_

I feel so old. I never thought I'd be counting down the dreadful days until my one-year-below-fortieth birthday. I thought I'd _at least_ be dead by thirty. I guess that proves how utterly wrong I was. How disgusting, I'm _never_ supposed to be wrong. I think a bologna sandwich and some eggnog will help clear my head. 

I'm also really sick of this Harriny business. Since when do Potters and Weasleys become centerpieces of the school? I don't know, perhaps Umbridge was right: we're encouraging the growth of the amount of hormones rather than education. With Yule Balls, Valentines Day, and books in the library such as "Snogwarts, a Kisstory" and "Pleasurable Magic for Beginners", it's a surprise that Hogwarts doesn't have a daycare centre yet. Though I'm sure that's not very far in the future.

Of course, that post only pertains to the students. I'm pretty much giving the Professors, such as myself, free reign. Emphasis on "pretty much". I still think we should lock Dumbledore away before dusk.

Maybe a patrol of the Astronomy tower at midnight would be a good idea. Then Filch will know what's happening to all of his broom closets.

Or perhaps not. The man is rather dense.

Visited the House Elves' layer (aka the kitchen) today before supper to secure some pick-me-up into my evening cider, and was quickly stopped before the entrance by a flustered elf that somewhat resembled Professor Flitwick. 

"Mr Snape!" it said in a squeaky voice that also, creepily, resembled that of Flitwick's. "Mr Snape! Flimmy can not let Mr Snape into the kitchen!"

I crossed my arms across my chest, hoping I could at least pull of a little bit of a threatening aura. "And why not?"

"Because Miss Granger is busy in the kitchen. She is helping us elves, sir."

"Move," I demanded, reaching out with my index finger to tickle the pear in the portrait. It swung aside before Flimmy could stop me and I plunged into the kitchen, looking around desperately for a bushy head of hair high above the sea of pale greens. "Miss Granger!"

She was nowhere in sight. But then I noticed that each elf was sucking on a honey stick happily and continuing with their work. Then I smelled some chocolate and noticed that a milk tray was lying on the counter, half empty.

"Miss Granger."

The clanking of a pan and a loud "Bloody metal!" caught my attention, and I immediately knew that she was present.

"Miss Granger, if you would be so kind as to appear within my line of vision and stop being a pawn in the happiness of indentured servants, I promise that I shall go light on my punishment for you."

Ha, yeah, right.

I heard a sigh of resignation and Hermione rose from the floor on the other side of counter, the look on her face pure, sweet defeat.

"Get out of the kitchens now, Miss Granger. And 10 points from Gryffindor."

"Fine," she said as she walked past me, the rich smell of chocolate floating around her. "But I'll get back at you for this."

Right. Miss Granger's not one for threats. Not to mention that with her selective memory, she probably won't even remember looking at my butt as she passed by me.

Poor girl, she reaches beyond herself sometime.

**~November 11th~** Thursday

Dark arts run rampant in this school. Today I was confronted with millions upon millions of blue-paper posters, each decorated with stars, loopy silver writing, and a photograph of a pleasant-looking girl with short hair and a stud in her nose. She looked a bit barbaric, really. Then again, her birthday is rather close to mine, so no doubt that she is rather charming.

I just wish they hadn't shown up all around the school. The poster staring and winking at me while I got ready to shower was just a bit much.

**~November 12th~** Friday

Suddenly got very depressed. No explanation as to why.

**~November 24th~** Sunday

_Number of Times Hair Washed: 2, Number of First Years Terrorized: 0, Number of Potion Explosions: 0 (I love week-ends), Points Taken from Gryffindor: 0, Toffees Received from Dumbledore: 0, Days until Doomsday: 5_

Happier again. Took me long enough.

**~November 29th~** Friday

12:05am 

Happy birthday to me…

11:00pm

Dumbledore decided to thoroughly torture me this year, even more so than usual. I had just gone down to breakfast when he practically ran up to me with a small envelope and a big smile on his face.

"You get the day off, Severus!" he said, waving the envelope in the air.

I held back my glee. There had to be a catch.

Catch, indeed.

"And, for your birthday gift I got you a blind date. Here." He unceremoniously shoved the envelope in my hand. "Inside are the instructions on where and how to meet and what to wear. Enjoy your day!"

I stuffed it in my pocket and forgot about it (except for the day off), and didn't remember the note until I went back to my rooms an hour later, looking for a piece of gum that I had stashed away.

I opened the stupid thing, while fighting off the urge to burn it, and it read:

**Jenner's Department Store  
3rd step up  
Leftmost stairs  
Princes Street  
Edinburgh  
12:07pm  
Casual Robes**

Date will be wearing mask

I couldn't help thinking _Great, it's Edinburgh! There's probably _several_ people in the store wearing masks of various colours._

Hell, I didn't want to go anyway.

But after two hours of rummaging around my rooms with nothing to do and nothing worthwhile to think of, I settled to the idea that I should probably go unless I wanted to die of ennui. 

When I arrived at the store, I waited for about three seconds (2.98 seconds too long) before my "blind date" showed up. 

She/he/it was wearing a white theatre mask embellished with large, gaudy beads and with a purple feather sticking up right in the centre of the forehead. 

"Um…hello," I said carefully, stepping down onto the next step of the stairway that was unusually empty. Everyone seemed to be suddenly running down the escalators instead of the stairs. Well, maybe not suddenly. It had been like that for a long time, for all I know.

But I'm getting off the subject. Sure, that might be a good thing, but I feel that I must write this down now so I can look back at it and laugh later.

Or cry.

Anyway, I couldn't help but think, "Hm, I hope it's Hermione." That damn little voice in the back of my head seems to now have pedophilic tendencies. 

But, of course, it was not Hermione.

The mask suddenly came off. "Severus? _You're_ my blind date?"

There she was. Thick glasses, thick, fake voice, thick skull and all. My blind date was Trelawney.

I almost fell back on the stairs in surprise.

"You're _my_ blind date?"

Interesting note before I continue this oh-so-interesting story: I think that Sibyll, in Greek mythology, was a "great and accurate fortune teller who can see the future". See the future, my foot. Otherwise she would have known that we were going to be stuck together and could have sidestepped out of this monstrosity.

She sniffed and when she spoke, her voice was a bit restrained. "Vector set me up on this. She said that I needed a bit of a holiday otherwise my Inner Eye might film over." She crossed her arms across her thin body. "This isn't what I had in mind for a holiday."

"Not what I had in mind for a birthday either, thank you," I muttered. "You wouldn't happen to want to get drunk, would you?"

She looked at me in a manner that told me that she was somehow disgusted by me. "Do you know nothing? Alcohol is worse for the Eye than is a complete life in solitary confinement."

"Sad to hear that," I remarked coldly. "Let's just get this thing over with to kill time," I continued with a snarl. "I'm sick of standing here and seeing Muggles stare at us. We can go back to Hogwarts in an hour and pretend that we had a good time."

"Very well." 

I cringed as she took my arm and I led her down the few steps and out into the street. After narrowly escaping being run over by several automobiles and a bus, we went over to the park and I dropped her arm, crossing mine across my chest and staring at the giant Sir Walter Scott monument.

I heard her mutter beside me, probably whining about some interruptions of her psychic waves in all the greenery. She then looked up at the monument and grimaced. "Such extravagant tombs for those whose spirit-"

"Let's shut up now, eh?" I fought off the urge to elbow her into the busy street. 

"You cannot silence the-"

"I _will_ hurt you."

She frowned, but finally remained silent. I noticed that people were regarding us strangely (most likely because of our robes, but honestly, big deal. I wasn't the one wearing a kilt).

"So, let's see…" I squinted around, trying to make out the signs in the distance, looking for somewhere to go for coffee or lunch. "Are there _any_ places to eat around here?"

I couldn't see anything that looked promising. There were a few pubs in view, but they were fairly empty and the last thing I wanted to do was call attention to me and the horrid thing called my date. 

She sighed huffily. "Why don't we just go back? Your essence annoys me."

"I don't know, I might never…" I trailed off. "Yes, let's go."

"Wait for a minute!" she said, turning toward me and grasping my arm. I could feel her pointy nails through my robes. "Shouldn't we kiss first? You know…just to say something happened…"

Before I could reject her, pull away, or hurl her into the street, her lips landed on mine.

I fought off a scream and pulled away quickly, diving into the bushes. Before she could land on top of me, I had managed to Apparate successfully. 

Upon my return, about 3 minutes after the arrival in Edinburgh, I was promptly greeted by a cheery Dumbledore who regarded me with annoying piety. 

"How did the date go, Severus?" he asked, tenting his fingers.

"Shut up, old man," I growled as I walked past, running the sleeve of my robes repeatedly across my lips. "Or you will find my wand promptly up your arse."

I love it when the twinkle goes out of his eyes. Best birthday present ever.

* * *

A/N: I love Edinburgh. I was originally going to shove them somewhere in London, around Piccadilly, but I couldn't find my stupid map… 

"Your essence annoys me" is a trademark insult by my friend, Stephanie. "Snogwarts, a Kisstory" is the property of another author on ff.net, but I cannot remember who for the life of me. They're brilliant, whoever they are. 

I also do own a kilt/skirt thing that I bought in Scotland. I love it. Severus just doesn't have good fashion sense. 

Thanks to: Piggie (Ah, Hermione's is done. Though hopefully I'll be able to do the sequel soon), Skjeve, ronslilprincess, Antagonist Len, Colleen, little-lost-one, tifsuz, Renegade Seraph, winterspirit (me too, ha), Madame Plot Bunnie (I just had to show my utter disgust for all those drug questions), Dues Ex (haha, I love that word. It's the best), Smiley Mcfay, Rosemary, Leina (Yup, Hogwarts, I think, is believed to be somewhere north of Edinburgh and St Andrews in Scotland. Beautiful area), Loah, Feverfew (aw, I don't think Snape's ugly), Jazzylady, Miss Mina Murray, TeaRoses, Blondemomo, the soul cage (hm...well that could be a problem...), Sha, Aindel S. Druida (I understand! It's like the Australian way of calculating grades. That's how our basic class grades are, until they're converted to the 4.0 scale. And yes, recruit!) 

The final survey questions will probably come _much_ later in the story.

Click the button, please.


	7. And They Will Destroy the World

**~December 2nd~** Monday

Noon

Minerva is worrying me. She showed up for lunch today with some sort of cancerous growth on her neck. I'm going to suggest that she go see Madam Pomfrey and get that taken care of. 

7:00pm

OH DEAR LORD!

**~December 8th~** Sunday

_Alcohol Units Last Night: Lost track after 14, No. of times I danced Last Night: 1, No. of times I nearly fell over Last Night: 3 (it got me off the dance floor)_

6:58am

Incredibly hung over. Urp. 

3:00pm

Ugh. Had run out of tomato juice and had to brew a whole new potion to cure me of my…ailment. Bloody parties.

Party was made worse by insistence of Madam Hooch to secure herself tightly to my arm for the entirety of the night. Not to mention that she seemed to have taken to rolling in the grass instead of applying perfume, and tried to keep from sneezing for most of the night. My eyes were watering so much I probably looked like I was crying. Aaaah.

However, Miss Granger was present and decided to dazzle us (urgh) with her wit, even though she had no clue what we were previously talking about (which I can't really blame her about, either, I didn't know what the hell Hooch was saying. Nodding and humming comes in quite handy when in the presence of a boring woman). 

It was rather humourous, actually. She came up to us with a glass of champagne, already looking a bit tipsy, and started raving about some Muggle medicine nonsense. Though whatever she was talking about just seemed a bit more interesting.

"I see," Hoochie said, latching onto my arm so tight that I felt my hand going dead. "Though I don't know what that has to do with the Hippogriff controversy in Brazil."

Oh, so that's what we were talking about.

Hooch never did like the poor girl.

**~December 10th~** Tuesday

I think Hermione is in love with Ron.

Damn.

**~December 12th~** Thursday

_Alcohol Units: 6 (v.g.), Points taken from Gryffindor: 20, Near Death Experiences: 1_

I think Winky has gone mad. I stumbled out of bed ready to plunge into another ghastly day, but first I had to begin with a bath. I walked glumly into the green tile bathroom to be greeted by numerous sparks and smoke fumes.

First of all, electricity doesn't work in Hogwarts. And second of all, I had no need for a hair dryer. I don't know what got into her mind that I needed a hairdryer in my bathtub at seven in the morning. Fortunately, I recognized the danger of the situation _before_ I actually climbed in, thinking it was harmless (it was early, and I'm a wizard), and managed to get it out without touching it.

Must consult with Dumbledore over house elf's homicidal behaviour. Slightly worried that I'm going to wake up one morning with a snake's head in my bed.

**~December 18th~** Wednesday

Woke up this morning with very bad sixth-sense-like feeling. I don't know, but something seems terribly wrong. It honestly shouldn't be, as Winter hols approach and everything should be just fine and dandy. 

Perhaps it is because Christmas looms on the horizon. Actually, it doesn't, but I wish it did. Technically, a horizon is always in the distance and will forever be unreachable for everyone. So, I suppose I can say that Christmas is right around the corner threatening to trip me with my own hair as I pass. 

That seems reasonable.

Anyway, I don't think that's it. Maybe I had a Seer in my ancestry, even if that stuff is rubbish.

Have the sudden urge to go to bar.

* * *

Sorry this was short. Promise the next ones will be longer...urm...

Thanks to: Skjeve (for goodness sake, he has a nipple ring _and_ a tattoo, and he gets all huffy over my nose ring? Tsk, tsk, we must teach him a lesson. Perhaps a good toffee would do the trick?), tifsuz (only sometimes :)), tomzgurl77, Snapecake, Miss Mina Murray, Phoebe-H, Aredhel Tasartir, Dues Ex (I personally think that Trelawney has some serious mental incapabilities. But she's a lot of fun to make fun of), Madame Plot Bunnie, Aindel S. Druida (Hm...I don't know if you got my e-mail or not, but Hogwarts is in Scotland. Scotland's part of Great Britian (Great Britian includes England, Scotland, and Wales), but North Ireland is not. It's pretty easy to get everything mixed up unless you actually live there. And yup, Trelawney is a bloody moron :)), Piper Sargasso (I finally got the second Bridget Jones book! So when I finish that, you can expect a sequel to Hermione's. Hopefully), SnoSno, xxGinnyxx, SperryDee, love4sirius, Miyu, zingy, Saerelle (haha, is being a prude such a bad thing?), Feverfew (hehe, it's not _that_ bad!), Draco-FutureBF, and the soul cage (I'm going to try to surpass the restrictions and put a url on here, you'll have to tweak with the spaces (take them out) to get there, but to get to the V. Secret Diaries go to: home. nyu. edu/ ~amw243/ diaries/ 

For reviewing.


	8. Consoling Malfoys Always Ends Up Badly

**~December 20th~** Friday

7:00pm

No classes for two weeks! Yesssssssssssssss!

9:00pm 

Just received owl from Narcissa. Seems things are not going very well with Lucius. Somewhat concerned.

Well, not really. 

She wants to meet me in Hogsmeade tomorrow afternoon.

Will have to fit that in somewhere between getting drunk and passing out on my bedroom floor.

**~December 21st~** Saturday

_Alcohol Units: 9 (v.g.), No. of times tried to console old friend: 27, No. of times successful in consoling: 0_

Spent entirety of day in Hogsmeade with Narcissa Malfoy, trying to cheer her up and failing miserably. 

Lucius is distant blahblahblah. Lucius is a bastard blahblahblah. Lucius doesn't love me anymore blahblahblah. Narcissa has always been a friend of mine, but I couldn't really care less about Lucius. It's about time she figured him out, really. Decided to not tell her about McGonagall in case she decided to take everything out on me in the middle of the Three Broomsticks. 

"I'm so bloody miserable," she sniffed into her fourth Butterbeer. "Draco has turned into a ruddy lapdog for a Gryffindor and Lucius is acting all distant and saying that he doesn't need me." She wiped a frail hand across her brow. 

I sneered at her, refusing to lose my snarky façade. "Since when is Draco a lapdog for a Gryffindor?"

She really would be an attractive woman if she wasn't so high-strung. Or distantly related to Sirius Black. Or Lucius's wife. Or Draco's mother. Actually, no, no, she's not really that attractive. Must have been a trick of the light.

"Since he started stalking that bloody Granger girl. You know, the mudblood."

I inwardly cringed. Merlin, what is it with Hermione? She's not incredibly good-looking, but she seems to have every Slytherin crawling around on their hands and knees.

I suppose I'll go into that later.

Anyway.

"Oh," I said, feigning mild surprise. "Yes. But you should be pleased to know that he is on the top ten list of the hottest boys at Hogwarts."

She looked up from the mug and sniffled. "Really?"

I scowled. "Yes."

"What number?" she bleated.

"Fourth," I muttered.

"Oh Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerlin," she sobbed, resting her forehead against the rim of the mug. "Please tell me he's at least behind some other handsome Slytherin."

"Erm, no, actually." It was suddenly getting very hot in there. And Madam Rosmerta was giving us weird looks. "Mostly Gryffindors."

Didn't help much.

"Please, Severus," she pleaded, grasping onto my sleeve. Rather annoyed with the grasping dealy, actually. "_Please_ let me get hammered. Then take me home. I'd rather not remember what you just said."

Did as she wished and took her back to Malfoy Manor, then let the new house elf (a young whippersnapper that somewhat looked like Professor Flickwit. Of course, I've come to realize that all house elves seem to resemble him in some way) drag her up to her room and put her to bed. She seemed rather happy and forgetful when I stopped by later to make sure that she was still breathing.

"All right, Severus?" she croaked from the bathroom.

"All right," I replied, gazing idly at a portrait of Draco, riding a pony at the grand age of sixteen, that hung proudly over the mantle.

She came out, dressed in a pink dressing gown with her blond hair in disarray. Her eyes were bloodshot, and I was suddenly reminded of my little adventures in the bathroom earlier this month. Suddenly wonder whether house elves are working an internal terrorist network.

"My dear Lu…Severus," she lurched over, still quite tipsy. "Draco's one, right?"

"Excuse me?"

"He's one, right?"

Humour her, I must. "Yes. He's one."

She smiled vaguely. "Good. Snog me."

"Uh…" I backed away as she stumbled forward. 

"Snog me."

"No," I said resolutely, suddenly proud of myself.

"I said snog me, you bloody, arrogant, self-obsessed…"

Sudden thought that she might have thought that I was husband. Not good.

"Um, got to go, good luck."

With that, was gone. Wonder if house elves can inflict mental damage as well as physical. Must warn her against the danger of seemingly harmless Muggle hairdryers lying in the bottom of a filled bathtub.

**~December 23rd~** Monday

8:00pm

Christmas eve tomorrow. For some odd reason am terribly lonely. Must be because there are no Gryffindors to take points from. Big letdown. Even Potter is not here to torture.

Since when did everyone get lives?

Got another owl from Narcissa saying that everyone was home for Christmas and that Lucius kept threatening their son with the Rack. She didn't understand, as Draco was number one and all. 

Dumbledore decided to try to get me in the Christmas spirit by charming mistletoe to hang over my head everywhere I went. Of course, didn't notice this until wee hours of the morning when I had already been rampaged by several second years and Madam Hooch. 'Tis the season for spiked eggnog, fortunately. 

Dumbledore gave me Christmas present early. It's a Muggle twelve-step program to end drinking problems. Not v. funny. Not v. funny at all.

9:00pm

Suddenly in incredibly happy mood. Do not know why. I also have a rather strong urge for a cigarette, which is unexplainable since I do not smoke and find the habit rather disgusting. Perhaps it is Dumbledore's plan to get me off alcohol?

**Top Ten Reasons Why I Hate Christmas**

10. Mistletoe  
9. Christmas carols. Music is bad enough as it is, but everyone singing it, a majority of those with voices worse than I thought possible, are singing them _everywhere_.  
8. I'm lonely.  
7. I probably had some traumatic childhood experience that makes me hate Christmas. That seems to be the widespread belief, anyway.  
6. Crackers. I usually get something stupid like a fruit hat or a toy. Psh.  
5. The house elves seem more eccentric than usual. Last year at the time I found a stuffed bear with a bow around its neck tucked in my bed, with the name "Cuddly" embroidered on its chest. Gave it Hagrid. He's probably feeding it well.  
4. Yule Ball. Must I say more?  
3. The contagious Christmas cheer. Sometimes I find myself going into my rooms smiling. Not normal, it must stop.  
2. Potter usually stays, and there's really nothing I can do to get him in trouble.  
1. Dumbledore. Just…Dumbledore.

* * *

Thanks to: iM THE DiLLiO (hm...bit scared, but 'tis all right), SnApEyPiRaTe, tifsuz, ronslilprincess (yeah...that seems to be happening to a lot of people. I wrote an e-mail to ff.net complaining about it), Piper Sargasso (I finished it! But I think I might want to finish this story before I start the new one), Lady Ktulu (hope you get better soon!), Miss Mina Murray, Madame Plot Bunnie (ah, thank you for going through the trouble to e-mail me your review! That means a lot to me. I went and put it on the review page for you), SperryDee (I think house elves are hiding a lot. They must have some hidden motive to wanting to work all the time), aPPle-FrrEAk, Dues Ex (hehe...just because Hermione didn't see a fight doesn't mean that it didn't happen...we'll see...), Feverfew (Madam Hooch is scary. I think she's just fun to make fun of), Piggie (argh -_-, meant to say Britain, not Great Britain), Loah, Severuslvr (hehe, I was hoping that someone would catch that), and Aindel S. Druida (hmm...maybe it's just widely accepted fanon that Hogwarts is in Scotland, and maybe I'm completely wrong. I think it's based on the fact that the Hogwarts Express leaves London and goes a reasonable distance North (given the time that it takes to get there). Maybe it's based on that, or it was stated in an interview by JKR that it is there, or it's just wrong. A lot of information is recieved from interviews, such as Azkaban being on an island at the tip top of Scotland over the North Sea. Will look everything up at the Lexicon and get back to you on that. Hehe, helmet hair...I honestly like his hair in the new movie...Tom Felton is cute even if he is too young for me...). 

Hmm, just a question to everyone, has anyone visited a Hogshead pub? I think I drove past one or two in London, and it was incredibly interesting (unfortunately, I didn't get to go in). 

Please review! 


	9. Never Let a Goyle Near Muggle Candy

**~December 24th~** Tuesday

_Chocolate: Death Defying amount (v.g.), Alcohol Units: 18 (potentially, v.g.), Snogs: 0 (v.g.), Reason why everything is v.g. when drunk: because you have to make the best out of it before you're leaning over a toilet for a majority of the next morning_

3:00pm

Lucius decided to throw together a little three-thousand Galleon get-together at the Manor for Christmas. Minerva even had the nerve to confront me in the Great Hall and inquire as to whether I am going. There is something wrong with that woman, and I hope Dumbledore is taking care of it. It's just becoming too much for me.

Told him that I'm going to be ill on Christmas Day. Pretty accurate, as I probably won't be able to get up until about three in the afternoon. Made the same excuse to the house elves back at my manor. Will probably have to stay in my room for the entirety of tomorrow. Not that that's a bad thing, but it does get lonely.

Sometimes.

Nothing I can't handle, honestly.

11:00pm

Mm…egnog. Heh, yum. Mmph.

**~December 25th~** Wednesday

11:15pm

I shall no longer allow myself to write while intoxicated. The outcome is severely unsatisfactory. 

I couldn't help myself. I was deathly bored. After I received another plumed fruit hat from a cracker, I had to leave. The next thing I knew, I found myself standing at the front door of the Malfoy Manor, ringing the bell.

I was quickly ushered inside by a rather glum Narcissa, who after that point ignored me for the rest of the night. Despite the rather religious, pure, and good nature of Christmas, and considering the past and present of most of the people present, I was rather surprised that the tree was decorated with glass balls and not disembodied heads. Yes, it would have been grotesque, but I think it would have gotten the point across rather well.

That, of course, didn't help the fact that Lucius was wearing a Santa hat and passing around presents like some mad elf, grinning happily (insanely?), accompanied by an unusually chipper Professor McGonagall. 

I had just received my long, round gift when McGonagall bounced up to me and patted me on the shoulder, asking, "What have you got there?"

"Erm," I answered, trying not to sound as deeply disturbed as I really was. "I don't know. I haven't opened it yet."

"Open it," she urged, eyes flashing in a childlike, very un-McGonagallish fashion.

"Um, okay." I tore the paper off and was surprised to see that it was a long, clear plastic tube of what seemed to be Muggle candy. 

"Hahaha!" McGonagall said mechanically. "Muggle stuff! For Deatheaters! That's priceless."

"Right."

Goyle, Sr. then plodded over and observed the gift carefully. "Oh, a penis," he muttered, walking off.

Minerva laughed again and disappeared. 

Argh.

I hid my penis-shaped candy under my robes and made my way over the sofa, away from a majority of the attendants (who all seemed to be a bit…off), and collapsed on it, sighing.

"Hullo, Professor," a voice mumbled from the floor beside me.

Draco sat, leaning up against the arm of the sofa, his head below my elbow. He held a scrapbook in his hands, grasping it with white knuckles and staring at it reverently.

"Good evening, Mr Malfoy," I replied shortly. "What are you looking at?"

"Nothing." He skimmed the leather-bound volume with his thumbs. "Well, not really. I'm just looking at this scrapbook. I think I did a good job of putting it together, really."

"Really," I said, trying to act more interested than I really was (rule #1 of life, never drag a Malfoy into suspicion). "May I see?"

He hesitated, but held the book up to me. "All right."

I took it and opened it, immediately greeted by large gold letters that read "HERMIONE GRANGER". Okay, I admitted, that was odd. The next page would be different…

Well, yes, but no. There were pictures on the next page, and the next several pages, instead of words. But the subject did not change. From every glossy bit of paper, Hermione Granger stared up at me with furrowed eyebrows, obviously confused. Except for the one of where she was with Ron, and they were both gazing cheekily at each other. I noticed that he was wearing a pen mustache that probably hadn't been there at the time in which the photo was taken.

"Mr Malfoy," I said calmly. "Is there any reason that this album is all about Miss Granger?"

He grabbed it out of my hands, eyes shifting from side to side. "No, not at all." He coughed. "There's an article about me in here, too." He ruffled through the pages and thrusted it back at me. "See?"

It indeed was a newspaper article, most likely from the Daily Prophet. The headline read "BIGGEST EGOIST IN SLYTHERIN HISTORY SELECTED AS SEEKER", followed by a black-and-white picture and text that centered mostly around how his father bought his way into the team. And about how is hair wasn't naturally that color.

"Not a very flattering article," Draco assured me. "But the picture is good."

The picture's cheeks were also a dark shade of gray.

"Hermione?" I asked again. 

He drew the book to his chest defensively. "Mine."

"Right."

I had had it. It was enough to be stuck in this house with Lucius and McGonagall acting like God's gifts to Christmas, while Draco sulked in the corner pouring over numerous photographs of someone I had a potential liking for.

So I took my penis…candy and left.

Merry Christmas. 

* * *

Thanks to: ronslilprincess (yay! The fixed it. Complaining works), Antagonist Len (argh, knew that...can't proofread my own stuff...), Phoebe-H, love4sirius (x2, Ron's? I don't think I have enough imagination left, I'd have to make up too much stuff...), Draco-FutureBF, baboon (or even when he doesn't choose to be...), SeaSneaker, tifsuz (promise :)), Madame Plot Bunnie (I think I could do the same thing for me, actually...), Miss Mina Murray (Yup :). It all connects. If someone doesn't understand something, odds are it's expained in Hermione's diary), One-Sexy-Slytherin (I wanted to go, dangit, but we were on the bus. They care about you being underage? I've been into tons of pubs in England...of course, I haven't ordered alcohol, but still), Dues Ex (to snog basically means to kiss. Of course, I guess it depends on the way the person means it. But Narcissa was basically saying "kiss me". Sorry to disappoint you, heh.), SperryDee (Aw, I'm sorry. Unfortunately, I don't know how that feels, being eternally single and all, but I hope I've helped cheer you up just the tiniest bit), FellowshipFanatic, Aindel S. Druida (okay, I found something about the Location of Hogwarts in the HP lexicon. I can't give you the link over here (dang ff.net won't let me post it), but if you search for the harry potter lexicon you'll most likely find it. Then go to the part about Hogwarts and where it's located. It sounds reasonable to me), BDTfluTe07 (hehe, thanks. I can now _guarantee_ that there will be a sequel to Hermione's diary. I just don't know when it will be up. Probably when I'm done with this one), Severuslvr, chibidaima, zingy, Daintress (hmm...I think I might have read one of your fics before. I'll go check it out). 

Phew.

Anyway, I now have an actual _original_ story up on fictionpress, so everyone, if you would be so kind, please check it out! It's called Haunted Ivy.

And also, if you would like, drop me a review!


	10. The Curse of the Drugged Cat

**~January 4th~** Sunday

_Pattings on the back from McGonagall: 7 (repulsive), Number of Robes Ruined: 4_

Noon

McGonagall is in a particularly jovial mood while I, however, feel more irritable than usual. Not to mention that the purple growth on her neck has not shrunk, but done quite the opposite. I feel like either hiding under the blanket in my bedchamber or scouring the castle for Mrs Norris, who appears to have somehow gotten into my closet and shredded the bottoms of several sets of my good robes. Must either remember to remove all traces of catnip from my clothing before leaving classroom, or kidnap the animal and hold her for ransom until Filch agrees to hang her from the ankle braces on his ceiling. 

Yes, the gray hairs confirm it.

Will go find her now.

2:00pm

Blasted cat is impossible to find. Thought I found her five times, and was somewhat disappointed to realise that it was only Miss Granger's monster of a feline. Unfortunately, the owner was nowhere in sight.

I mean fortunately.

Oh, sod it all. Might as well come to terms with it sometime.

All right, I like her.

I like her.

I like her.

Now, that wasn't so hard. 

Oh, Merlin. Why do I feel the sudden urge to throw up?

**~January 6th~** Tuesday

_Robes mended: 2, threatened declawings of Mrs Norris: 7, threatened declawings of Mrs Norris that resulted in scars, pain, and threats of decapitation from Filch: 7, alcohol units: 3_

5:50pm 

Have come to the conclusion that neither Mrs Norris nor Filch has much of a sense of humor. I honestly was not serious in suggesting that they serve her as a special side dish with pudding. That would be disgusting. However, both of them seemed to take it as more of an insult, resulting in severe abrasions around my ankles. Plans for kidnapping are now beginning to take form in my mind.

Winky keeps bringing me odd memorabilia from the girls' loo. Among the findings are a "Teen Witch Weekly" with a headline on how to "Imperio Boyfriends With Only a Bit of Legal Charm" (I only hope that Miss Granger does not subscribe to such filth), a dating service flyer called "wiz*match", and an updated list showing that Draco has fallen into 7th and was replaced by Neville Longbottom.

I think I will burn that one and just continue to tell Narcissa that Draco is in first. I find it strangely reassuring to lie to her.

6:30pm

Hm, Teen Witch Weekly has actually proved to be quite interesting. The headline article was a bit boring, but besides that I find it a bit informative. I never knew there were so many charms to get rid of cramps and bloating. Well, that's not really the interesting part. The most amusing thing I found was something entitled "Those Magical Moments, When Everything Seems to Go Wrong".

* * *

**

With Wings

**

I was staying at my boyfriends for the Christmas holidays  
and had left my suitcase downstairs by mistake, not giving  
it a second thought. The next morning my boyfriend, his sister,  
his parents, and I went downstairs ready to open presents, to   
find that the sanitary pads from my suitcase were now flapping   
across the room, some were fighting with each other, and that my   
boyfriend's little brother had stolen his mother's wand.   
I've never been so mortified in my life.

Embarrassment Factor: ***

**Mistaken Identity**

My twin brother and I went to the British Museum with our Muggle  
Studies class. The tour guide there was surprisingly young…  
and surprisingly gorgeous. I was feeling fairly confident in myself   
since he kept looking at me and smiling. Plain to say, I was delighted   
when he asked me for my Floo grate address. Later, when his head   
popped up in my fireplace, I started blabbering on about how glad   
I was that he Flooed, but he blushed and asked if my brother was   
home. He was gay! Fortunately, my brother is not, otherwise I   
would have to kill him for snagging a potential interest of mine.

Embarrassment Factor: **

**Why It Can Suck to Be a Veela**

I'm a quarter Veela, and I've always prided myself in my long,  
blond hair, like any normal, beautiful, part-Veela girl would.  
One day, my class was taking a field trip to the German   
Ministry to visit some foreign Aurors. However, their lifts   
are a bit tricky. We all managed to pack into one, but I ended up   
being the last one to cram in. But my hair didn't make it. It got   
stuck in the doors and they wouldn't come open! The Germans   
didn't speak a word of French or English and just cut all my hair   
off. I was bald and unhappy, and I'm never going to Germany again.

Embarrassment Factor: *

* * *

I really hope that was Fleur Delacouer.

That's enough for today. It's probably not healthy for grown men to be reading teen periodicals.

Though I don't know what's better, the fact that these vain young women are most likely getting what they deserve, or that most of the letters written to this magazine are probably written by girls from Hogwarts.

**~January 7th~** Wednesday

Miss Granger worried me greatly during Potions today. She didn't seem to be paying attention at all until I mentioned cosmetic potions that reversed premature aging. When we started on a sample, she ran hyperventilating from the room. Hope nothing's wrong.

**~January 15th~** Thursday

Dumbledore approached me with a very odd request today. 

At breakfast, he pushed a glossy brochure under my plate and pretended that he hadn't done anything.

"What is this?" I asked as he began to shovel porridge innocently into his mouth.

"What is what?" he replied, looking at me with all the ingenuousness he could muster. 

"This," I said, pointing…well, pointedly, at the brochure. 

"Oh," he said, as if he just noticed that he had put it there. "It's a brochure!"

"Yes, I realised that. But what is it for?"

"A mini-break," replied Dumbledore, simply.

"Why do I need a brochure for a mini-break?"

"Because you're going on one. January 23rd."

"What for?"

He muttered something that sounded miraculously like "chaperoning", and then swept off, claiming that he had important business to tend to. 

Great. Now I have to fit this mini-break thing somewhere between "kidnap Mrs Norris" and "stop having an unhealthy interest in Hermione Granger". This will be a busy month. I wonder if they deliver Teen Witch Weekly at the inn?

* * *

A/N: The embarrassing moments from Teen Witch Weekly were inspired by various teen magazines. It's always amusing to make fun of feminine hygiene products.

Thanks to: tifsuz, xxGinnyxx (hmm...have you read Hermione's diary?), whee (yes! I love those books, though unfortunately I've only read the first two. This and Hermione's diary are both based on Bridget Jones's Diary.), Loah (they're Smarties. Kind of like m&ms, but better, in my opinion), Aindel S. Druida (argh, nothing seems right if people don't have the right accents. I remember I was watching "Amadeus" (odd movie) and everyone had an American accent. It drove me nuts), Dues Ex (hmm...Ron's could be interesting. But I don't think I would have enough material. Who knows, maybe I'll be inspired.), BDTfluTe07 (a cracker is something you pull on and it sort of explodes, and it's packed with toys or stuff like that. They aren't common in the States), Madame Plot Bunnie (you gotta love Smarties), PainfulLove (it's developing, but it's going to be a long and painful road, well, for me, anyway), anonymous (yeah, I always enjoy it when two stories entertwine together. For some reason, it makes me feel smart when I read them), SlytherinALan (yup...that part was inspired by the Godfather), ElyahGray (yeah...me too, for some odd reason. It's not really that funny but it just...is), Piggie, Zervius Snape (hmm, maybe in the next diaries), the soul cage (at a candy store!), pinkchubbymonkey, TwistedHeart (I'm saving the rest of the questions for much, much later), and Aredhel Tasartir for reviewing! 


	11. MiniBreak

**~January 23rd~** Friday

Noon

Yes.

Right.

Yes.

I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I'm walking around my quarters like some caged animal while my drunken house elf messily tends to the fire with a poker that somewhat resembles the remains of an umbrella. 

I have no clue what to pack. I just found out where I was going this morning, and I'm not anywhere near ready to go. I was thinking of a nice minibreak somewhere in Hawaii, maybe at least in Spain, but no, we're going to Hogsmeade. Hogsmeade! That's not even 10 miles away. I feel jipped.

Ooh, it's snowing.

Crap, it's snowing. I hope the couple I'm chaperoning doesn't feel like taking a romp outside. Or any romp, for that matter. Maybe I will have permission to bring Potions to keep them from doing any activity that could severely endanger the respectability of Hogwarts.

Well, again.

Never mind. Must pack.

All right, now what should I pack?

Let's see.

2 shirts (black)  
2 pairs of trousers (black)  
1 set of robes (black)  
1 cape (gray)  
3 pairs of socks (black)  
1 pair of boots (black)  
Books (various)  
Underwear (maybe)

All right. Now to fit it in, somehow.

Right.

6:00pm

Interesting. Very interesting. Interesting, yet somewhat disgusting.

Was looming in doorway waiting for approach of young whipper-snappers that have unfortunately been placed in my over-qualified hands. Was completely (yes, completely) surprised to find that they weren't some Ravenclaw 6th years itching for independence, but instead some Gryffindor seventh years that were, to my disgust, most likely on their way to beginning a large family.

I almost ran when I saw the bushy hair coming up over the small hill in the road. But I swallowed and stood my place, glaring steadily as Herm-Miss Granger walked to the inn, hand-in-hand with Ron Weasley. Ick. 

As they approached, wide-eyed, I gave them a friendly greeting and said the next thing that popped into my mind. "I was just going to go for a walk. I suppose you wouldn't want to join me?"

No, I hadn't been planning on a walk. There was actually a bottle of whiskey in my bag that seemed rather lonely. But I couldn't bear to just leave Miss Granger to the company of that living Elmo doll alone. 

In return, Weasley said something rude to which Miss Granger muttered some apology for and they scuttled upstairs. I'm afraid that this holiday might prove to be very interesting.

11:00pm

Wow.

Contrary to previous beliefs, I actually had a good time tonight. Weasley made his exit and left me with his girlfriend for over an hour. Very nice of him, really, will have to remember to thank him later.

I'm just glad that I gathered the courage to sit down at their table. Was quite amusing, actually, to see Weasley go pale for the second time in a day and start blabbering nonsense. Hermione, however, seemed to have her wits about her, and made some very pleasant conversation while Weasley made faces at me from behind his menu, which I decided to ignore.

I do not think that I have been giving Miss Granger enough credit, even though I have admitted that I like her, which is really quite pervy as I am several years her senior. But ah well, all is fair in the wizarding world. At least Fudge seems to think so. Anyway, she more than proved her intelligence within a short conversation, and I am quite confident that her knowledge spreads in other places besides academics.

I detest being jealous of Weasley. Damn him.

Confession of the Day: I'm honestly very self-conscious. But I hate everyone else more than I hate myself. Except for Hermione, of course. Well, sometimes.

**~January 25th~** Sunday

_Mugs of Coffee: 7, Times Caught by Various Things While Spying on Hermione Granger: 3, Times Almost Eaten by Slightly Large Squid: 1_

I'm ready to go home. Though Miss Granger's attempts to seduce Weasley, though futile, are sickening to watch. 

She deserves better.

Like me, perhaps.

Good lord, I'm perving on a girl I'm supposed to be chaperoning. Dumbledore probably set this up on purpose. Dirty old man.

* * *

A/N: Sorry this chapter was so short. And not quite as entertaining as the last. I'm just glad I finally got around to updating. And sorry for the delay, I've been distracted by other stories (obviously). 

Thanks to: Zervius Snape (oh...possibly), arcessita, the soul cage, JustJeanette (come on now, don't give me ideas), karenelaine, Melwasul, Madame Plot Bunnie (...ick. Choking is not fun), Loah, baboon, Dark-Ones-Girl, artemisgirl, fluffyflapjack, candeecastle (go to my account (click "Wonk" next to the title of the story), and you'll find it in my list of stories), Dues Ex (oops...too late?), BDTfluTe07 (I'm going with British spelling for his diary (hopefully I've done a somewhat accruate job), and the Brit spelling of "realize" is "realise". Why, I don't know. Sounds more like a z to me), xxGinnyxx, tifsuz (hmm...I'll have to get my hands on an issue of Cosmo), Aredhel Tasartir, Spiral-Digger, Susan (Brit husband? *is jealous*), Joshua Glass (no clue, honestly), Feverfew (bad? *eye twitches*), Aindel S. Druida (I've only ever seen one cracker in the US, and that was when I was about 5 and it wasn't at all what the real ones are. Still got a prize, though. I haven't seen them since), Colleen, Romm, PinkCHubbyMonkey (will have to keep that in mind for the future), firelady6, sweet775 (hmm...wouldn't know. Been up to Canada several times, but I've never had the beer), Zephyre (same here), pandabsmiless (Love the pairing with all my heart. Well, maybe not all of it...no, no, all of it), and Chamaeleon.

I think the replys to my reviews were longer than the chapter. Sheesh.


	12. Hermione Haiku

**~February 2nd~** Monday

I feel like I'm missing something. 

**~February 7th~** Saturday

I feel completely useless and idiotic. This is a diary, no, a journal, and I should actually have something to say every once in a while. Surely a renowned Potions master like myself can think of something simple to say?

Of course I can.

Right…

Filler! 

The last:  
306. Thing you ate: A boiled egg.  
307. Thing you drank: Bourban  
308. Thing you wore: Robes  
309. Place you went: The Great Hall  
310. Thing you got pierced/tattooed: The Dark Mark when I was 17, and Remus is responsible for the ring I have in my chest area. I think it is about time to return the favour.  
311. Person you saw: Winky, though I believe she doesn't qualify as a person.  
312. Person you kissed: Minerva. Damn hexes.  
313. Person you shagged: Oh, I forget…  
314. Person you talked to: Dumbledore  
315. Song you heard: I can't believe they divide those horrible tones into categories and label them. Seems like a waste of time to me.

Now:  
316. What are you eating: Nothing  
317. What are you drinking: Bourban  
318. What are you wearing: Nothing  
319. Any shoes on: No.  
320. Hair: Shoulder length, very nice texture.  
321. Listening to: The grandfather clock in the next room.  
322. Talking to anyone: No. Though I am muttering to myself, if that counts.  
323. Are you pissed I made this so long: Pissed as in drunk or angry? I'd have to say both.

Yes or no:  
324. Are you a vegetarian: No.  
325. Do you like cows: Occasionally.  
326. Are you a bitch: Since that required me to both a female and a dog, no, I am not.  
327. Are you artistic: Only when I want to be.  
328. Do you write poetry: Sometimes, when I'm in a rather odd mood. It's somewhat morbid.  
329. Are you a fast runner: I don't run, I glide.  
330. Can you ski: No.  
331. Are you British: This has to be my favorite question yet.  
332. Do you want to spear britney: Depends on how you mean that  
333. Do the voices talk to you: No. That would be Potter.  
334. Did you ever give barbie a haircut: Yes. Yes I have.  
335. Would you eat mac & cheese with hot dogs in it: Actually, yes.  
336. Do you think Disney creators were on acid when they made 'alice in wonderland: I haven't watched the movie. But I believe the author actually was.  
337. Are you straight: Incredibly.  
338. Are you handicapped: No  
339. Are you fat: No  
340. Are you skinny: A bit, but I prefer the term "pleasantly lean"  
341. Are you short: No  
342. Are you tall: Yes  
343. Do you own a hot pink shirt: Thanks to Dumbledore, yes, now I do.  
344. How about orange pants: No  
345. Can you see the flying monkeys: No, I believe Hagrid is finally taking care of them, for once.

At last, it is done with. And I can only think how I have wasted so much of my life.

All right, I admit, I did not try. It was easier to answer mindless questions than to think of something creative to say. It's not as if I'm writing for an audience, though I swear Winky still likes to paw through my things.

**~February 13th~** Friday

_Points taken from Gryffindor: 55, Alcohol Units: 9, Exchange Students Harassed: 1 (and quite a bit of fun)_

7:00am

Ah! Friday the 13th. Wonderful. Absobloodylutely wonderful. Not only is something happening that I cannot figure out, Winky is wandering around the dungeons in a pink tea-towel toga with a glowing heart tiara shoved over her ears. 

I smell pheromones. 

3:00pm

Suddenly, for some odd reason, an American exchange student in her 7th year just popped out of nowhere. And in the middle of the semester, of course. I do not know how Dumbledore expects me to deal with this, as not only do I have a blond dunderhead named Mary Sue brightening up my dungeons with her perfectly white smile, but many of the boys in my class are now failing to pay attention.

I like my dungeons dark, thank you. 

This is a source of evil that must be stopped.

**~February 14th~** Saturday

Valentine's day. I am wondering why no one informed me of this fact earlier, as I would have been very inclined to purchase a box of chocolates and somehow get them into Hermione's room, or tie a ribbon around her beastly cat's neck, send her flowers, etc. No, no, not really. I would have to shoot myself.

Idea!

Haiku.

So it goes five, seven, five syllables?

Winky has informed me that that is correct. Though I am wondering how she knows this.

**Hermione**

Bushy haired student  
Running through my dreams swiftly  
I run fast, away

All right, that was absolutely horrible. Let's try again.

**Relationship**

Pretty know-it-all  
Young legs like flying gazelle  
I, Dirty old man

**Mary Sue**

Hair like sunny day  
Smile blinding, no body fat  
Mary Sue must fall, die

**Valentine's Day**

Floating hearts, annoyed  
Love haiku, overrated  
I am bad at this

**Snape**

Brooding in dungeon  
Eyes like dragon, deserves more  
I am Snape, pervert 

I think that's enough for a day. Time to fail undeserving students and will return to this later, if I am in a morbid mood as explained above.

I wonder what Hermione is up to this evening of Valentine's Day? If it's something romantic, I am inclined to murder Ron. Mrs Weasley will thank me after she finds out what he did to her kitchen table.

* * *

I don't think we want to know.

Thanks to: Zervius Snape (eh?), Joshua Glass, Draco-FutureBF, elisa, JustJeanette (hmm...can't guess. Which? *coughupdatebluecough*), Loah, whitefaith, Aredhel Tasartir, SunnyRosVille, Aindel S. Druida, the soul cage (yay! read more of mine. No, not really. Check out my favorites, they're worth it), QueenYamcha, ShagsTheDustmop (oops...I think I knew that, but forgot to change it. I will make the correct changes as soon as I am properly awake), CassandraTheEvil, Zephyre (don't tell I'm the only one who thinks Ron is slightly reminiscient to Elmo). 

Apologies for not leaving longer thank yous, I'm incredibly tired and need some sleep. A review per day keeps the author awake.


	13. Hairnets from Satan

**~February 22nd~** Sunday

7:35am

Seems that some of my Valentine's gifts came late. "Anonymous" has bought me a subscription to Teen Witch Weekly (sick, sick person), while I received a gift basket from the same person (or someone who also goes by that name), and whoever it is very, very cruel.

The contents of the gift basket are/were as follows:

One bottle of wine (have tried hard not to drink)  
Two wine glasses (one chipped but repaired)  
A bundle of Blue Roses (still not withered)  
A package of New Years Weasley Wizard Wheezes  
Odd feminine hygiene products that I have never before witnessed  
A collection of poems by Shel Silverstien  
An unmentionable on a stick (buried in underwear drawer)

I don't know what this person had planned, but I sincerely hope that it wasn't meant to include me.

Noon

Was summoned to Dumbledore's office. That's never a good thing, but it seems that a new, clever, torturous idea has gotten a hold of his senile mind.

"You received a gift basket for Valentine's Day, didn't you, Severus?" he asked, his danged eyes twinkling, reminding me very much why I hate the word "twinkle" or anything that sounds like it. 

I shifted uneasily in the chair in front of his desk. "Yes, I did. I don't know who it's from, so…" 

"Oh, no." He waved a dismissive hand. "I'm not one to pry. I was just wondering if you'd be so kind as to participate in a bit of a…charity outreach."

Oh good Merlin, no.

3:25pm

Oh Merlin oh Merlin oh Merlin.

I am wearing a hairnet. 

Screw "charity outreach", this is just Dumbledore's idea of a cruel joke. I don't know when Hogwarts started to have a staff campaign that promoted kindness to the Muggle homeless, but this is the first time I ever heard of it. It was also his idea that I hand out the items from my Valentine's gift basket to them, since I had no need of anything in it. Stashed away the wine, the crystal, and the unmentionable (out of sheer curiosity. I still don't know what it is), and hope that no one swallows any of the Weasley concoctions. 

At a hall in Edinburgh right now, serving chicken soup to those that have seen better days. Was asked several times if I had any spare fags (why does everyone think I smoke?), and groped by a very large woman who then asked if I wanted the unidentifiable feminine hygiene products. I said yes. She took them anyway.

"I predict," Trelawney said, edging in close to me as she carried a large metal pan to the house elves working secretly in the back of the kitchen. "…that you will be asked on a date before you leave here."

"I'm sure," I answered, rolling my eyes. She just sighed and walked back. I stared determinedly at the jelly, which jiggled disturbingly as I drummed my fingers on the metal pan.

McGonagall still isn't back to normal. She has a dreamy look on her face and keeps giving everyone too much food. People are now running past me in line to get to her first, and all the ones I serve refuse to meet my eyes, trying to push the others out of the way. If McGonagall was in a correct mental state, I'm sure that she would just be as unhappy to be here as I am. Sometimes I thoroughly enjoy seeing her mouth pull itself into a tiny line.

There were a few normal people, actually, which was something I wasn't expecting with my extreme prejudice toward the unfortunate. There was a little girl with big brown eyes that reminded me of Hermione's (I loathe to admit that now everything reminds me of her. I think I'm cursed, I'm just wondering who would be so cruel to do such a thing) that came up and asked for seconds on cheese bread. With something that I thought was a smile, I handed her two. She made an odd sound and wandered away. 

Was wondering if Trelawney would be right, and if she was, who would do the dirty deed. I scanned the room, narrowing it down to either the large woman that had taken the feminine products of her, herself. It wouldn't surprise me, the bloody woman has no sense of value.

When lunch was over and we were ready to wander away, the little girl came up to me and pushed the Styrofoam bowl across the counter. I thought she was going to ask me to give her more soup (surely the girl noticed that there was no more?), but instead she blinked at me and said, in a very sweet little voice, "What are you doing tonight? Do you want to see a movie or something?"

I told her I was married and slumped away, trying to ignore Trelawney's sniggers. I hate it when she's right.

Which is rarely, but still.

This day can't get any worse.

11:00pm

When am I going to learn to stop saying that?

Was wandering up to Dumbledore's office, considering resignation or asking for a very large raise, when ran into Herm-Miss Granger coming from the library, a sad look in her eyes and a rather large novel clasped to her chest. 

"Miss Granger," I said with a cool nod, hoping that she was in a satisfactory mood.

"Hello, Pro-" Her eyes suddenly brightened and she looked hard at me, looking like she was trying hard not to laugh. "Professor," she breathed. Something was tugging on both corners of her lovely mouth. "I am going to bed. Good night."

Did not know why she was so amused until I caught a look at myself in a suit of armor.

I had forgotten to take the hairnet off.

**~March 4th~** Friday

Weasley has dumped Hermione in favor of a walking pair of breasts. Poor girl is desolate, and am fighting all male instinct to comfort her. 

I have to admit, I am rather happy. Will have to thank the breasts later.

* * *

Thanks to: clare_aden (it's harder than it looks. Well, most of the time. Unless you're making fun of someone), Mr. Norris, Aindel S. Druida, Romm ( I don't think he knows. We'll see :)), slytherinrules85, Joshua Glass (argh, I know. Fixed it), citrinecastle (maybe, if Snape is in a poetic mood), Daintress (I've taken that before! I'm such a prude, though. Believe it or not, Snape tends to have prudish tendencies, maybe he'll be able to work up to it in his next diary), CassandraTheEvil, PinkChubbyMonkey (aw, age doesn't matter. At least, that's what I keep telling myself concerning my future conquest(s)), PinkChubbyMonkey (man, I wouldn't my friends to read my journal. I'd be paranoid that I'd accidentally written something about them), Zervius Snape, the soul cage (oh, we will get there, my friend), artemisgirl, Loah, Fou Fou, sweet775, MoonRunner2003, Kaylariana, pickles, Feverfew (no! Not pervy! No!), Spiral-Digger (You know...that's a good idea...)

Sorry this took so long to get out. Reviews are encouraging! I honestly love it that my thank yous are almost longer than the chapter itself.


	14. Marriage?

**March 20th** Sunday 

_Number of Essays Marked: 52, Number of "A"s given out: 0, Number of Essays that Actually Have To Do with the Subject Assigned: 37, Times Draco Malfoy Came Looking for Advice: 4, Points Taken from Gryffindor: 2, Points Taken from Slytherin: 25 (a sad day for the family Snape), Alcohol Units Consumed: 14_

Noon 

I don't know if it is just me, but it seems as though, lately, students are going out of their way to make being a professor a very difficult task. Before, I could just stand there and I could feel the willingness to crumble into ash and blow away flowing through their veins. Now, however, I can hear whispers when I turn my back to the classroom, and even my patented Stare of Death cannot put a stop to them. They just giggle. Am I going soft? No, no, I couldn't be. It's unthinkable. 

I think it's time to get back into serious punishment. Filch had a good idea in putting chains and cuffs on his ceiling, though I don't really know if they were originally meant to serve the purpose that he says they were for. But perhaps hanging Colin Creevy by his ears in my classroom would teach him to stop being so bloody stupid. 

His current essay in my class actually impressed me, I'm sorry to say. He didn't even pretend to know the subject of what he was supposed to be writing about and instead started with an exposition on the wonders of his name. 

_My name is Colin Creevy. If you play with my first name a bit and make different sounds with it, it sounds like a punctuation mark - the full stop with the comma under it. It also sounds like a body part, I think. Nothing dirty though, just this thing that probably does nothing but explode like appendixes do. My brother's appendix ruptured when he was little, but I don't think he remembers it. It was bloody brill though, the way he was puking and pale and everything…_

He continued to go on to explain the demise of his very unfortunate cat. This was actually an improvement upon his last essay, entitled "The Uses of Nail Polish in Attacking the French" (I clearly said "The Uses of Manglomesh in Aiding the Fever), which had atrocious spelling and very unrealistic beliefs of what nail polish can do. For this noted improvement (and a slight less annoyed feeling than I had with his last essay, since he didn't pretend to know what he was talking about), I awarded him with an "F plus". 

Oh, Merlin's backside, I am going soft. 

I have some anger to take out on a particularly lethal house elf. Will be back soon. 

5:18pm 

Draco decided that he needed to interrupt my peaceful time of self-reflection and ask for some "much-needed" advice. I have no clue how he found my room, nor why he felt the need to request the love of the dog sitting in a portrait just outside my chambers. I can only believe that Lucius did not do a satisfactory job in raising his boy. 

I don't know why I ever installed that bell. I think I was young and hopeful at the time, but it quickly became clear that rarely would people come looking for me. And when they did, odds are that I wouldn't want to see them. 

"Hey, Severus," Draco said breathlessly as the portrait guarding my entrance moved aside. 

"My name is Professor Snape, Mr Malfoy," I answered, crossing my arms and leaning against my doorway. "And if you wish for me to talk to you for whatever reason you came to my room, you had better address me as so." 

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," he answered with a dismissive hand. "Well, I came to ask you a question." 

"Out with it," I said, readying to shut the portal in his face. "And I'd like you to know that I'm marking your paper right now, so if you insist on bothering me, I will be sure to grade you extremely, extremely unfairly." 

He broke out into a misunderstanding smile. "Why thanks, Uncle Sev." Good Merlin, it was getting worse. "Well the thing is this…I think I want to marry that mudblood, Granger." 

I believe that I became very pale. He mistook this for anger. 

"Yes, I know, she's an ugly, stupid thing with too much hair and bastard friends, but she's really quite intriguing. The chit knows how to slap, too. And her stubbornness is a turn-on, really." 

I could only lift my eyebrow, now that the shock had worn over, I was confident that Granger couldn't stand more than a minute of his time. But he rattled on anyway, as if he had already planned their wedding (which I later found out he had. Approximately 100-120 guests, including "Father's friends", held at the Malfoy Manor with a reception following in the gardens, married by his father (I shudder to think that that man can officiate), and a hundred white doves released in time with their first kiss as husband and wife). 

"I know what you're thinking," he said finally, appearing to be drawing to a close. "Dad's not going to be happy with this. But I think that once he gets a good look at her and I tell him that her parents are former international Death Eaters that have to live as Muggles because they're in hiding from the Ministry…" 

"But-" 

"Is it just me, Uncle Sev, or does she have child-bearing hips?" 

I couldn't take it anymore. I just closed the door. 

Will have to take out that bell tomorrow. 

**March 28th** Monday 

Must stop teaching classes when I'm drunk. Am afraid that I let some rather unsatisfactory things slip during 7th year Potions. 

I believe one of the things that I said involved Viagra. I truly hope it wasn't directed toward Miss Granger. 

* * *

A/N: Sorry that it took so long to get this up. Final exams are coming up and I've been swamped by essays and the like. I'd say that I'd update soon next time, but unfortunately I can't make any promises.

The pet name "Uncle Sev" is a trademark of Draco in Hayseed's "Switzerland" trilogy. Check them out, they're much funnier than my stuff. 

Thanks to: SevenAgainstThebes , crazley, Joshua Glass, the beloved long lived stranger who protects from and commands the elements...Aimee (hmm...it might be too late for that. Maybe in the next diaries?), Aindel S. Druida, pickles87, Zephyre, Mr Padfoot1, DesolateAznVamp, DragonMasterKris Jho, and all those whose reviews didn't show up because ff.net spazzed. 


	15. The Perfect Target

**3rd April** Sunday 

6:45am 

Upon other things, such as N.E.W.Ts, disastrous Hogsmeade weekends, dung bombs ending up in my desk drawer, and Winky's decision to go on an indefinite hiatus, Miss Granger has found that I make a particularly good question and answer bin. I keep receiving desperate owls from her each morning asking numerous questions, mostly related to questions that will be on the test, that I have no right to answer, even if I did know how to answer them. She could at least take a deep breath and ask them to me in person. At least then I would have the excuse to stare freely at her chest and pretend that I'm listening, then dismiss her, and, if lucky, assign her detention. But alas, it would be slightly odd to assign detention via owl, if it is even possible. 

Dumbledore has announced that he's throwing another party to "lighten our spirits in these dark days". I don't know what he's thinking, having us chaperone. The man must have a death wish. 

Though the elf is mad, I somewhat miss her. At least, I miss having hot tea in the morning. And coffee is _not_ appetizing when it's cold. 

4:50pm 

I have decided, for the pure joy of it, to make a new target other than Potter. I suppose she is somewhat connected with him, since she is apparently shagging Ron Weasley, so the ripple effect should work quite nicely in throwing him off his normal routine. The chit needs to suffer a nice, long, painful death anyway. 

Perhaps I can find a charm or potion that makes silicon explode? 

**8th April** Friday 

_Tear-stained love letters received from Narcissa Malfoy: 3, tear-stained love letters confiscated from Draco Malfoy during Potions Class: 6, blood-stained accounts of how the Dark Lord is enjoying the turquoise waters of the Caribbean: 2. The Malfoy family should give up letter-writing all together._

Dumbledore is putting unprecedented importance on this bloody party (named the "Ruby Party" in a rather blatant nod to Gryffindor favoritism). Very annoying, especially as he keeps flitting around the staff room during our off time, bellowing loudly that everyone should find a date to the affair. 

"Headmaster," Professor Sprout said with a slight roll of her eyes. "If you insist on all of us getting dates, you're begging for bad role models. We've all seen Trelawney after she's had a few too many Beach Sundays and there's anything of the male species around. We'll have to obliviate anyone within sight." 

Trelawney said nothing to object, which was mainly because she had locked herself in the tower and was unaware, with all her psychic ability, that we were dissecting her faults in a group of more than a dozen people. 

"What if she doesn't come?" Dumbledore said in his own defense, looking hopeful. 

"We can't necessarily lock her in the tower," Professor Vector answered with a mournful sigh. "No matter how appealing that sounds. She'll get there somehow. She goes to every party. And she's not the only one I'm worried about, what about Flitwick?" 

"What?" Flitwick squeaked, blushing a bright red. "What about me?" 

"Come, 'fessor," Hagrid answered, his beard bristling as he fought off a grin. "Even Fang cou'n't find yur trousers after th'last party." 

In a manner reminding me of Longbottom, the vertically challenged Charms Professor sunk so low in his seat that you could only see a tuft of silvery hair and a sliver of red forehead. 

"So that settles it, either we lock chastity belts around everyone present, or there aren't any dates," Sprout said with a tone of finality. I always liked her. 

Dumbledore looked crestfallen. "There must be a way…" 

"No, there isn't. Alcohol and our staff does not go together, Headmaster. You know that." 

"Yeh," Hagrid agreed with a bit of a grin. "So does Profess'r Snape. Eh, Severus?" 

Everyone turned to stare at me, and I just shrugged, pretending to not know what they were talking about. 

"Well," Hagrid continued on before I could shut the large thing up. "He mighn't look too excited righ' now, but I tell ye, he knows what it take-" 

I am going to kill whoever overheard me in Potions. And then I will grind their bones into dust and send it to Muggle medicine manufacturers. That might do the job. 

**15th April** Friday 

_Times slipped something into Mary Sue's cauldron: 4, protests from the aforementioned thing sounding remarkably similar to "I'm perfect! There's no way I messed that up!": 4, Sympathetic looks Mary Sue received from classmates: 0, Times saw Hermione Granger slip weight gain potion into Mary Sue's Evian bottled water: 3, Times did anything about it: 0_

Since Winky has mysteriously disappeared, I have lost my grasp on the world of gossip inside Hogwarts. Therefore, I decided to take this task into my own hands. 

I was honestly expecting the girl's loo to be empty. I was. It was during dinnertime, on the third floor, and I was _certain_ that no one would go through that much trouble just to go to the lavatories. Of course, I forgot one certain thing: females don't make sense. Ended up startling a large gaggle of second year Ravenclaws who were huddling around the mirror, giggling and flipping their hair while one read aloud from a new issue of "CosmoWitch", which, apparently, is not intended for younger audiences. 

As soon as I walked in, numerous girls looked toward me in what must have first been curiosity that quickly mutated into horror to see that I was standing, in all my horrible glory, in the middle of the girl's loo. 

"Give it to me," I commanded, holding out my hand. They all stared at me now, even the spotty Ravenclaw that was clutching the magazine, who had formerly been engrossed in an article that didn't look like proper school material. With a tiny squeak, she handed it over, and I tried not to smile with satisfaction. 

"Go to dinner. Now." 

They all scuttled out without a second glance in my direction. Ah, power. 

Now that I had the girl's loo to myself, I took advantage of this opportunity to tear down the posters and flyers that lined the board on the wall. Among them was a post of who was taking whom to the Ruby Party and a recently updated list of "The Top Ten Most Fit Boys at Hogwarts" (so it seems they have changed vocabulary, or this is just a different list). Draco has fallen into ninth. Most interesting is that this new list has comments. I was amused to find that Draco's were rather negative. 

"Draco used to be in the top three, at least, but his recent spiral into something just short of cowardliness has sent him plunging down. If he keeps up those wistful sighs in Potions and long stares in Hermione Granger's direction, he'll be off the list in a week's time." 

He should give up, really. 

Was also very pleased to see a badly drawn doodle of my new target on the back of a sheet: a stick figure with big boobs swinging from a noose, holding a sign that says, "I'm perfect in every way." At least I may be gaining some fans in this mission. 

Almost thought I didn't see Hermione's name on the list of people with dates to the Ruby Party, and after overlooking her twice, I saw that she was going with Colin Creevey. 

The girl must be desperate. I only hope that his camera will hold more interest for him. That way I might have a chance. 

CosmoWitch is disgusting and vulgar. Yet somewhat informative. Too embarrassed to go into detail. 

I never knew that that was possible…

* * *

A/N: Sorry that this took so long to get out (and that it's short). I've been on holiday, been working, been wrapped up in another story (which is now finished), and a whole other host of excuses that don't really mean anything to you guys. Well, here it is now, and I'm not making any more promises other than I will finish this story...eventually. 

Thanks to: Ariel S, BDTfluTe07 (Draco's a bit...well...off. His parents are nuts, his dad is having an affiar with McGonnagal, and that's just half the story. Not to mention he's obsessive. I can't blame him for not being normal), Lana Manckir (You probably know this already, but Bushy is finished (which is why I am now updating this one, sadly. I felt guilty), Joshua Glass, cte, elisa0984, Kaylariana, crissy, Fanasy, crazley, thefutureMrs.Kaiba (x3), pickles87 (x2. Hmm....maybe I'll be kind and post another update on your anniversary...), sallene, tall freak (yes, his is quite close to mine, also :)), hyparly4suger, artemisgirl, Mr Padfoot1 (thanks! And I did do well on my exams, must have been everyone's best wishes :)), sweet775 , Aindel S. Druida, judybat46, the soul cage, MoJoBe, MatureImmaturity, Jojo, Rory3, Kerichi, Niam (x5), I-want-to-fly, Cleopatra Selene, SxG39luver, and faereitalegoddess. 

And, of course, since I'm ready to update, will be in read-only mode for the next few days. If it's not too much trouble, starting tomorrow through Wednesday, if you want to review could you e-mail them to me at (with in the subject line). I'm being an awfully selfish review whore, but that is Wonk for you. Thanks. 


	16. Dates and a Dusty Bottom

A/N: The Red Sox won the World Series and I have updated. It's a week of miracles!

* * *

**18th April** Monday

I was in my classroom, thinking longingly about Miss Granger, as I, my sick, perverted self have come accustomed to do, when my fantasy decided to become a reality and she popped through my door, hair wild, shouting, "I need help!"

I was more than happy to lend her my aid, giving her the instructions she so longed for and sitting myself casually at the table nearby with my usual sour expression on my face, watching her as she began.

She's not exactly what anyone would call a gorgeous girl, but she's pretty in an odd way. Kind of like a hippogriff. They're quite beautiful creatures if you become accustomed to their outrageous oddities and mixed physical traits. Though I doubt a woman would ever swoon if I compared her to a hippogriff. Her hair and the worry marks between her eyebrows make her who she is, and she really isn't very beautiful without them.

Of course, her odd beauty had nothing to do with how badly she was effing up the potion. I suppose my unnoticeable slips of hand didn't help her results, and she stayed, to my satisfaction, for at least three hours.

I finally became aware of the benefits of having a cold classroom.

"Really," she huffed irritably, her cheeks a lighter shade of the red scarf that hung around her neck. "It's the right colour, the right texture…I see nothing unusual about it. Professor, please tell me _exactly_ what you're looking for?"

I had already told her. I am not vague. I mentioned some BS about ruining the element of surprise and told her that if she was so certain that she was right, she wouldn't be afraid to try a sip.

I never actually expected her to _do_ it.

She's quite lucky that I'm in love with her. If she were Potter, Filch would be mopping up her remains right this moment. And I think everyone would be a lot happier.

She seemed surprised at my stab at Malfoy. Honestly, is it so difficult to tell that I hate the boy? Who in their right mind could have any affection for that creature? It sickens me to even pity him.

Does she even know what he says about her?

**20th April** Wednesday

_Dung bombs purchased in Hogsmeade: 3, Number of hands threatened to chop off: 2_

Dumbledore once said, in a very elegant, confiding way, that the only reason he was still alive was to "Put an end to destruction, distrust, and gross misdemeanors." Obviously, he has forgotten all about it and is still walking, breathing, and controlling all of our lives likewe arepoorly strung puppets.

As if he hasn't meddled in my life enough as it is, he has announced that he expects everyone to have a "social acquaintance, or, to clarify, a 'date'" for the party. He threatened chaperone duty for the second years on their excursions for the rest of the year.

I was actually very willing to take on the duties of a chaperone. It couldn't be as bad as disgracing myself in front of the entire school with Madam Hooch hanging on my arm yet again. That woman curses too much for my liking, especially after a few too many drinks. I don't know if my sanity will be able to withstand dragging her away from a brawl with one of the suits of armor again.

And Dumbledore must have told her this, the helpful being he is.

"Hello Severus," Hooch slurred as I was walking as quickly as I could, my collar drawn up to cover my face, back to my rooms. I made a pained face and after a few slow steps, came to a stop. Slowly, teeth bared, I turned around.

"Let me guess," I answered dryly. "You want me to be your 'social acquaintance' for the party."

She started to answer but I cut her off.

"Fine. I will be, but only because it's required and I can't think of anyone I'd rather have hanging, literally, on my arm all night. And that wasn't a compliment, it's only because you're the lightest one on the staff. You will dress modestly, you will not initiate conversation, and I will not "pick you up" from your room. I will meet you at the party. If we do not find each other, we will still call each other our 'date' just to get out of trouble in case the need arises. And please, do not come looking for me."

Her hawk-eyes went wide; she looked slightly taken aback.

"Well, all right," she said slowly. "That works. But I just wanted to tell you that it looks like you sat in something. Here, let me dust it off for you…"

**25th April** Monday

Six days until the Ruby party, and the scene becomes ever drearier.

My subconscious played host to a series of rather odd dreams last night, one in which I was riding a broom and kept feeling offending hands on my backside, one in which Hooch became permanently attached to my arm by some special glue potion, and another in which I was back in the Potions classroom with Miss Granger, babbling nonsense. I believe I tried to kiss her, but I woke up before I could.

Blast.

It's at times like these in which I am glad that mutual dreams do not really exist.

* * *

Thanks to: CassandraTheEvil, thefutureMrs.Kaiba, pickles87, Artemis MoonClaw, retarted monkey, emikae, Chugabooe, sallene (Oh, please do), rainbow fuzzlez (ick), Artemis MoonClaw, Silwen Aurdomiel (x10), pricey-blonde, Riannae, Fou Fou, Elnora (dying. No, not really. But I was in a different country for a while), Cowgirl4u2009, artemisgirl, La Regina Phantom (...that's a good idea), MissCatQueen (Things should be moving faster, now. This chapter was giving me problems), Sennica01, and QueenYamcha. 

Next chapter: The Ruby Party.


	17. The Ruby Party

**28th April** Thursday 

I had fallen into one of my daydreams in class again, standing up in front of the class, arms crossed, staring off into space (in the direction of Draco Malfoy. I suppose when I space I look like I'm glaring, because he botched his potion several times for fumbling in his ingredients. It's rather fun), when I saw a hand wave in the air.

Granger.

"Yes…" I almost said 'Hermione' before I stopped myself. "Miss Granger?" Sneer. There had to be a sneer, otherwise I would look too suspicious. Instead, I think it resulted in a type of teeth-baring smirk, but she only blinked, confused, before plowing on.

"Sir, what's that sound?"

Everyone looked at her, just as confused, but obviously not understanding what she was talking about.

"What sound?"

Everyone fell very quiet and over the simmering of the cauldrons and the goopy bubbling of Neville's sad excuse for an assignment, there was a very distinct hissing sound, like a long-winded snake stuck in a plastic tube. And usually, only the fortunate were able to witness this amazing sound, but _now_…

Suddenly, it stopped.

"Huh," Mary Sue piped up while everyone groaned collectively. "Weird. You know, I speak Parselthing, I think it was saying that Draco-"

It started again, and this time I could hear it more clearly. Mary Sue looked puzzled and shifted in her seat, crossing her legs nervously. Then it stopped.

"Sue," I stated coldly. "Put your feet down."

She obeyed, and it started back up again. It was then that I noticed that she, being the intelligent, respected person that she is, had planted her feet firmly on her bag.

She seemed to come to the same conclusion almost right after I did, at a surprisingly quick speed for someone with the IQ of a sponge.

"Oh, bloody hell!" she yelled as she bent down to pick up her bag. How she began to think that she had the right to use British exclamations, I have no idea. I'll have to dock points for that. "It was my hairspray!"

I was about to order her to keep her bag shut until she undid the satchel and opened it. A puff of disgusting-smelling mist, if poison can be called mist, mushroomed into the air and spread through the room so quickly that everyone had ducked onto the floor, grasping their throats and gasping for air. I kept my mouth and nose in my sleeve, trying to breathe and shout orders at the same time, but my eyes were stinging.

Then, one by one, the cauldrons began to explode.

"Out!" I shouted. "EVERYONE OUT NOW!"

Great, a class and ingredients wasted and my dungeon now smells like a strong mixture of turpentine and aerosol. If this doesn't get her back to the US, I don't know what will.

Maybe I should ship her back to her parents (I seriously doubt that she's Potter's long lost twin sister, as she claims), via Muggle post, and conveniently forget to put air holes in the box.

That might do nicely.

**1st May**

_(Ruby Parties: 1)_

I was in the Great Hall for all of two seconds when Colin Creepy came up to me with his camera, purple smoke and angry couples trailing behind. Hermione was nowhere to be seen.

"H-hi, Professor Snape," he said in a voice meeker than the usual unwarranted outbursts I had witnessed in the classroom (no one knows it, but he has a wicked temper). "Do you mind if I take your picture?"

"Yes," I said, bending toward him and fixing him with a look that I had practiced in the mirror for hours, hoping that if he couldn't take a hint, he could at least sense perfection. "I do, actually."

"Okay, great." Before I could stop him, he had taken a picture squarely up my nose, and, of course, right when I have blinked. "I'll give it to you after I get them developed."

And before I could close my fingers around his throat, he had vanished into the crowd.

Five seconds later, I came to the conclusion that Hooch was nowhere to be found and made my exit. I fixed my glare on the staircase outside of the hall, considering whether to go back to my rooms or linger around the entrance in case Dumbledore would come to see if I was enjoying myself, when I heard a faint clicking of boots on the stone.

I turned and saw Hermione Granger, brows furrowed unattractively and looking quite frustrated, marching directly toward me.

"Miss Granger," I managed to say curtly, inclining my head ever-so-slightly.

An odd expression came over her face before she answered, "H-hullo, Professor."

The stutter didn't seem to be related to fear, so that was a good sign.

I said something about parties, I don't quite remember what, as my bloody had completely left my brain. She looked quite nice. Robes a bit low cut, but I would not complain. Next thing I knew, I had coaxed her into coming with me to the garden.

We strolled along for a while in awkward silence. I pretended to look suspiciously for couples snogging in the bushes, though Merlin knows that that was the least of my concerns at the moment.

I think she began the conversation, though I can't quite remember what we talked about. All I can conjure in my mind is the sight of her lips moving, her eyes bright and animated, and I can remember the feeling of being overwhelmed by all the intelligent things she had to say.

Unfortunately, my nosiness got the best of me. It slipped out, honestly. We had reached a lag in the conversation, and I couldn't think of anything else to say.

"Mr Creevy dumped you for another girl?" Immediately, I knew I had done something wrong. She must be having a bad affect on me, if I can't even control my tongue any longer.

She huffed and said something incomprehensible, possibly about a camera, bid me a sour farewell and went back up to her room.

I couldn't help but smile. She is quite beautiful when she's angry.

Will have to do that more often.

* * *

Thanks to: elisa0984 (Well, I'm not quite sure what happened to Hooch. I guess we'll have to see what comes out of that), Fou Fou, pickles87, NazgulGirl, Chugaboe, Artemis MoonClaw, CrystalBlue, sallene, QueenYamcha (Unfortunately, he doesn't remember enough about it), Blatant Discontent, MissCatQueen, junkyardkangaroo, Seom, Joshua Glass, otakuannie, Julia Bartlett, gtrlvr8877, and tiamo-kara for reviewing.

Still chipping away at my hulking writer's block,

Wonk


	18. Lemondrops and Weasleys

**May 12th** Thursday 

_Number of times the world has ended 1_

I'm becoming increasingly confident that I am afflicted with a psychological problem. My attraction to one Miss Granger has been, so far, unmatched by any other crush or funny feeling I have ever had for another person before. It cannot be healthy, for my mind and (definitely not) for my career. Not to mention that it is very unlikely that she will ever return my affections unless she's fostering some twisted form of the Elektra complex.

Ginevra Weasley, however, seems to have taken a liking to me. I suppose that that I could understand. With Harry Potter as a boyfriend (I shudder at that turn of phrase), she is probably the most frustrated (mentally and sexually) student in the school. But she is a rather frightening girl.

Of course, there is nothing to excuse her obscene behavior after my class today.

"Professor Snape," she said after the other students had left, tossing her bag over her shoulder and approaching me, the hungry Gryffindor glint in her eye.

I became immediately frightened.

"What is it, Miss Weasley?" I posed, crossing my arms defensively across my chest. Guard the heart, man, the Weasleys always go straight for the heart.

"This is kind of a personal question," she said, her eyebrow raised, looking like she was trying with difficulty to fight off a smile. "Are you interested, at all, in younger women?"

Good lord.

"I-uh…I don't see how that is any business of yours, Miss Weasley. In fact, I am certain that it is…well, not. Now, do your best to hide that Weasley coloring of yours and get out of my classroom."

My orders did not pacify that look in her eye. Actually, my embarrassed babbling and the obvious hot flush around my collar only made her erupt in the smug look of a kneazle who had just gotten the figurative cream.

"Yes, sir," she said smoothly and exited the room, looking behind her before I slammed the door.

Face burning, I immediately locked the door and took out a piece of parchment and an old, worn quill (I felt too dirty to even look upon my best one).

_Miss Weasley, _

If you are looking for an improvement to your dismal Potions mark, I suggest that you take up extra credit in written_ form, off of a list of several essay subjects on the uses of various Potions ingredients, and write them as far away from the dungeons as possible. I will not tolerate obscene behavior from anyone, especially not a student, and _especially_ not a Weasley. If you ever try to pull a stunt like that again, I will be sure to report your actions to Dumbledore as well as your mother, who I am quite certain will not be very thrilled to hear the news that her daughter has turned into some sort of scarlet woman. _

And if you are having problems with Mr. Potter, Miss Weasley, I suggest that you see either Madam Pomfrey or a Psychiatrist (because Merlin knows you need the latter if you're adamantly seeing that dolt).

Sincerely,  
S. Snape  
Potions Master

Had Winky take it to Miss Weasley's room. Was quite satisfied with my accomplishment in writing a biting and socially acceptable letter until I received the reply no more than a half hour later.

_With all due respect, sir, I was talking about Hermione. And leave my mum out of this, you greasy bastard. _

G. Weasley

Was too confused and shocked to write a scathing response, deduct house points, or immediately fail her.

My secret is out.

**May 13th** Friday

All right, perhaps it's not out. If it was, I could just imagine what would happen. Minerva would show up my door with the Calvary, ready to chop off my head (I would guess the weapon of choice would be a sword, but a guillotine is more of Minerva's style). At least, she would if she was completely sane. But she's not, so I suppose I can scratch that. The rumor mill would definitely be running at high speed, though, no doubt about that. By now, I would have heard thousands of different variations of the tale:

"Yeah, she goes down the dungeons every night for extra credit."

"Did you know that Hermione and Snape are in love? Isn't that disgusting? I heard she's having a baby. Actually, twins. Identical ones. One belongs to Snape and one belongs to Ron."

"There's this horrible love polygon going on between Harry, Ginny, Hermione and Snape. All three of them want Snape, but he wants Ginny, and Ginny wants Harry, and Harry wants Hermione but Snape more, and Snape only likes Hermione a little bit."

Sadly, I've heard some variation of the second one spoken before. I truly hope that someone subjects Miss Brown to some form of sexual education soon.

For now, I suppose I'm safe. I suppose I'll just have sit back and wait for the Weasley blackmail to come rolling in.

**May 17th** Tuesday

_Secret Missions Begun 1, Lemon drops received 7, Lemon drops thrown away 7, Number of Times Hair Washed 1_

I apparently volunteered to go on a secret mission today, though honestly can't remember doing that. All I really remember is going to a mandatory faculty and student leadership meeting and staring at Hermione the entire time, wondering if she knew about my mental illness, while Dumbledore babbled on some nonsense about McGonagall disappearing. No surprise there.

Next thing I knew I was shaking hands with my solemn colleagues and Dumbledore was radiating pride in my direction.

Confused, I asked, "What am I doing?" I noticed that I must have been staring at empty space for at least five minutes, since Hermione had left the room.

"Why, Severus, my boy-diddly-oy," Dumbledore slurred, slipping his sweaty hand into mine and passing me lemon drops like they were illegal drugs. He gave it a hearty shake and smiled at me, twinkling so much I was expecting him to burst into flame. "You're going to go find Professor McGonagall, of course. Weren't you listening?"

"No."

Dumbledore chuckled. "Well, at least you're honest. On your way tomorrow, I suppose. We're guessing that Lucius has her, so that would be the first place to look."

"What about my classes? N.E.W.T.s are quickly approaching."

"Why, Hagrid's teaching them."

"What?"

"Hagrid's teaching them."

"Why?"

"Logical choice, of course. Really Severus, you should get some more sleep. You're sweating like a fat man in a room full of ponies."

There's no arguing with him when he's like that. Starting to suspect that his lemon drops are laced with something.

* * *

Thanks to: Lywinis, Blatant Discontent (honestly? No idea. I would have strangled him), pickles87, SnapeSeraphin (I don't know where the ideas come from. Sometimes their from events have happened to me (such as the hairspray in Potions class), but usually they just come out of nowhere), Julia Bartlett (The next chapter should entertain you immensely, then), NazgulGirl, Rally Gal, Natsuyori, sallene (Me, too. Maybe I'll work up the motivation to Photoshop it), sexy severus, Mio Granger (enough reviews? Never!), The Trinity Theory, CtrlAltDelete, Kitsuka (Hogwarts wouldn't be half as interesting without him. Actually, not interesting at all), Cynthia in West Virginia, elisa0984, joaniem (That's French...mostly :)), Rouge, Samilai, froggie27, Eggplant and Caviar (If you enjoy subtle and witty humor, I'd suggest Ouroborous by OlympiaManet2003 (you can find it in my favorites), and in my personal favorite of my own stories, the D.E.W.W. Conspiracies, which is also up for a Multifaceted award) for all of your reviews! 

We're on the home stretch now!


	19. Locked in a Closet when the World is End...

**June 1st** Thursday 

_Head wounds 3 (healing)_

3:00pm

I would apologize for not writing, but you are not but a block of tattered pages and I am but a man who has been a little preoccupied.

Dumbledore's "secret mission" proved to be a bit more difficult than I had expected.

I found myself on a multi-continental wild goose chase that left me with very little time to sit on a beach, fantasizing about Hermione and sipping tropical cocktails with the little umbrella stuck in my hair. The Caribbean is hot, humid, offensive, and did nothing for my delicate complexion. I couldn't sit down again for a week.

After leaving the Caribbean, I returned to Malfoy Manor to find that it had been overrun with peach roses (Minerva has always had a fondness for them). I remember stepping inside, but the rest of the events escape me. All I remember is seeing Malfoy with a broken nose and Minerva huddled in the corner, wide-eyed, holding a poodle to her chest and wearing a lacy apron. It was then that I suddenly realized that she must be under the Imperius curse, as she has always, always hated poodles. Was able to rescue her and turn Malfoy into the Ministry all in a manner of five minutes. Rather impressive, if I do say so myself. If that doesn't earn me an Order of Merlin, first class, I don't know what will.

Though Miss Granger's reaction to my return must be the best welcome that I've ever received. She had squeaked in surprise at seeing me in the hall, promptly dropped her things, and allowed me a pleasant view of a bit of cleavage as she bent to pick them up. Mumbling, "Welcome back, Professor," she ran off with a burning face. She even managed to brush against me a bit. I found this much preferable to Hagrid's gift of a bag of dog food and Dumbledore's slap on my sunburned back.

5:00pm

All right, I take it back. Though the fumbled "welcome back" from Miss Granger was incredibly satisfactory, I must have received one of the best presents ever. Mary Sue is gone.

She was shipped back to America (unfortunately, not in a box without air holes. I'm hoping that they at least did the other passengers on the airplane the courtesy of loading her with the other cargo. The weight of her fake breasts probably made the plane lopsided) after slipping into Flitwick's chambers in the middle of the night in search of a little extra credit. The man screamed bloody murder and woke up the entirety of Ravenclaw. I've seen Flitwick coming back from the infirmary nightly with a bottle of sleeping draught in his hand, babbling incoherently with a glazed look in his eyes. Poor man, I wouldn't wish that experience upon anybody. Not even Malfoy. Of course, that man's taste is questionable.

So is Mary Sue's, really. Thank goodness that she was passing my class, if barely.

In other oh-so-terrifying news, Potter has disappeared. He probably ran off with Ginevra Weasley to get a head start on their litter.

**June 3rd** Monday

In a freak accident, Iwas locked in my supply closet for the past 24-hours and when I emerged, the world had changed.

Apparently, I was wrong about Harry's disappearance. Voldemort was defeated today (and, with my luck, I was locked in a closet during the entirety of it. Aren't you supposed to be locked in a closet _with_ someone when the world is ending, just in case you're the only two people left and you must make millions and millions of babies? And preferably that someone isfemale?). Miss Granger seems to be wandering about in a type of odd euphoria, as though no one has been killed or injured. In actuality, Fudge is dead (though I have to admit, that doesn't exactly make me angry), Mr Ollivander is in critical care, Dumbledore's beard has been singed off, Mr Ron Weasley has to breathe through his mouth as his nose has gone missing (my comments about him being an irritating mouth-breather have proved to be ultimately correct), Mr Potter's scar is gone (a tragedy, I know), and Mr Longbottom seems to be sprouting several extra limbs in a very unusual area.

I'm sure everything will be back to semi-normal shortly. Except Merlin knows who is going to be the next Minister. Maybe I should chalk up for the position.

Or maybe not. No one needs to hate me more than they already do.

Though it could be quite fun.

Ah, I know.

Top Ten Reasons Why I Should be Minister for Magic 

10. I'm much better looking than Fudge. Honestly.  
9. I know the inside workings of most of the black markets in Great Britain.  
8. I don't wear bowler hats or lime green.  
7. I think it's about time that I got that bloody Order of Merlin, First class.  
6. I could divide Wizarding Britain into parts. Then assign them names and take points from the regions that I don't like.  
5. I would actually know what I'm doing.  
4. Dumbledore could stop calling me "my boy" and start calling me "Minister". Or, at least, "sir".  
3. I could dispose of Umbridge and be a hero.  
2. Divination could be disposed of as actual magic.  
1. It would probably attract _something_ of female form. I would not like to die a virgin, thank you.

Which, of course, is just an expression. I am NOT a virgin.

No. I am not.

At least, I shouldn't be. It's the principle of the thing.

Right.

**June 6th** Thursday

_Good deeds done 1, cold showers 3_

Miss Granger is really making me go soft. Well, above the belt, I mean. In a lapse of stupidity, she managed to sleep through her Potions N.E.W.T. this morning and I, being the hapless fool that I have become, allowed her to make it up this evening, when I had planned a romantic evening for myself and my Potions texts. The candles that I had lit did create an impressive, glowing aura around everyone, though. It must have softened my features, as Hermione stared at me as though I had suddenly transformed into Clark Gable. Whoever that is.

She also seemed to have come very close to hugging me. I really wish she would have. But whatever would have come of that hug probably would have made the examiners go into respiratory arrest.

We could have just pretended that the wheezing and the thuds as the old men toppled to the ground was the lilt of a flute and the beat of a drum in wildly romantic music, though. When you're in love, everything is beautiful.

* * *

Thanks to: Julia Bartlett, Lywinis (well, I wouldn't necessarily say that Snape's in character in this piece, but...well...I don't know. It's kind of a personal thing. Snape and I are a lot alike), sweetsyphn, Magicalwonder (I'm considering it, actually. But somehow, it's harder to make fun of your own characters than it is to make fun of other peoples'), pickles87 (I actually grew up around motocross. It's kind of fun, but I think inhaling all that exhaust has ruined me for life), Zorana, Eggplant and Caviar, sesbee, sexy severus, CtrlAltDelete, DemonofDoom, Natsuyori, sallene, Player-2 (x2), Pathatlon, homestar-fan, rainbow fuzzlez, elisa0984, Holly Mariano (I'm working on re-writing Hermione's, since I re-read it recently and it's wickedly out of character. Consider it a work in progress), Seom, SusanPW, fosho (ack...sorry), MadameAngel(x3), Mare, Sennica01 (careful, she has claws), QueenYamcha, st. jimmy, Water to Ice, Aleatha515 (ha, nothing. I just don't think Snape would have a reason for ever wanting to go there. Er...), Green Day fan, EmzyTrish(x2), ambeana (which character? I don't really have contempt for any character...except Umbridge, maybe.), and Laura for your abundant reviews.

Expect the next (and last) chapter sometime before 2006 ;).


	20. The Final Curtain

**June 14th** Wednesday

Noon

What should be the most wonderful week of my life is not turning out quite as I had planned. Potter is leaving. There should be a damn celebration. Actually, there _is_ a damn celebration, but not exactly what I was hoping for. Was thinking a goblet of laxative-spiked pumpkin juice and an obstacle course on the way to the men's loos might have provided more entertainment that splashing burgundy rubbish all over everything and carrying Potter around on a ceremonial litter. But I think the Creeveys are upholstering the vehicle as I write, so it's probably too late.

It is also ever dampened by the fact that Miss Granger is leaving, and have not yet made affections known to her. Will take care of that tonight. Perhaps I can borrow Lupin's victrola and some of his cologne. I hope Hermione won't recognize it. And if she does, I'll kill him. Gently. And keep the cologne. Wonder if she plans on keeping her school uniform?

Oh Merlin, Hagrid's here.

2pm

Hagrid seems intent on poisoning the whole of the student body. Can't say I blame him, but I would have given him a slap on the back of it were intentional. Sadly, it is only from sheer idiocy. He has a new pet, a large spider the size of his overlarge hand, and, for some reason, was quite literally bursting at the seams to show it to me. Opening the door to him did not reveal a pleasant sight, by the by.

But as soon as he stepped into my chambers he proffered the black arachnid and shoved it straight at me.

"I was thinkin'," he eloquently began, "that since you want to seduce 'ermione and all, thachya might wan'...wan' somethin' to give her."

Examined the ugly creature that was sitting still on Hagrid's outstretched hand. My reflection was glimmering in its eyes.

"Women like stuffed animals and flowers," I replied. "Not venomous monsters."

"She's no monster!" Hagrid, predictably, yelled in reply. "And 'ermione, well, she's a special one, in't she? She's not really a...a stuffed animal sorta girl."

"You should leave," I said, trying to shove him away and avoid the spider at the same time. It was no easy task. "You have no idea how difficult it is to replicate your dialect in my journal."

"Your journal, eh?" He scratched at his beard, seemingly unaware that I was trying, and failing, to literally push him out of the room. "That the one that Dumbledore was passin' 'round at the last staff meeting?"

"What?"

"Yeh...don't think you were there. No, come to think of it, you weren't. You were off in Bermuda, I reckon. You really shun't be writin' smut about your students, Severus. Dumbledore might like it, but the resta the staff thinks it's a bit disturbin'."

Oh Merlin, oh Merlin.

"So, er, you should take 'er. I think she likes you, anyway, so yeh might as well."

It was then that I felt a sharp, stabbing pain in the back of my neck.

"Blimey!" Hagrid yelled as he smacked me aside like a doll. The spider flew in the same direction, but farther, and, after sitting, slightly stunned, for a moment, promptly disappeared underneath one of my bookshelves. "Sorry 'bout that, professor. She does tend to get a tad friendly, time to time."

"Friendly," I growled. "Yes, I could tell."

"You might wanna go see Poppy 'bout that, too. The bite's not too bad, but it has some nasty side effects. An' if everything works with Hermione t'night, you should probably keep the bits away, 'fessor, 'cause when you get bit like that, they tend to shrivel up like prunes. Well, g'luck. See yeh t'night, maybe."

4pm

Have set up several spider traps around chambers, not still no sign of the monstrosity. Afraid to summon it as it would surely fly straight at my face.

Embarrassing visit to Madam Pomfrey elicited a shocked look at my testicles, a lot of giggling, and a bottle thrown in my direction. I swear I will never visit the hospital wing again.

Ever.

Three hours until the feast. Hopefully sensitive side will be in full working order by then, and Pomfrey will have managed to keep her mouth shut and not go talking to Hooch about my Amazing Shrinking Testicles.

I hate my job.

Most of the time, anyway.

But now I have a former student to seduce.

**June 15th** Thursday

12:32am

_Drugs given freely to students: 1 (legal)_

Mission accomplished. Managed to pull Granger away from her spotty entourage and proclaim all sorts of funny feelings for her. Did quite well, I think. Dumbledore will be proud, especially as he has undoubtedly been charting the progress of our relationship since he stole my diary.

I mean journal.

But did not exactly turn out as planned. At beginning, was everything dreamed it would be. Managed not to quote CosmoWitch or various articles floating around the girls' lavatories. Kissed her and sat her on the desk, laid her down, and she suddenly screamed. No, I still had my pants on, but it seemed Hagrid's eight-legged friend had made it from my room to my office and had promptly bitten Hermione on the bum.

She didn't stop screaming. Of course, it distracted me from killing the monster and it managed to escape, but had to throw Hermione over my shoulder and carry her to hospital wing. Would have been romantic and manly if she hadn't been screaming right into my ear.

Thankfully, a hefty dose of pain-killing potions made her stop and gave her a very pleasant disposition, though I think she has left the hospital wing with the wrong idea and a faulty memory.

Possibly will be rumors going around school that I am a slut.

Well, it could be worse.

_Year in Review_

_Alcohol units: Oh, millions  
Phallic gifts received: approximately seven, though I think that's up to interpretation  
First Years Terrorized: 289  
Number of bottles of shampoo received: 42  
Number used: 2  
Order of Merlins received: Zip  
Number of times publically embarrassed by Dumbledore, a Malfoy, or self: countless  
Number of times fallen in love: Once  
Number of resolutions kept: Absolutely none_

At least I'm not dead. And have stopped smoking. Actually, haven't started smoking. So I guess I came out ahead.

Oh, bugger it, anyway.

The End

A/N: Well, I kept my promise, I finished it before 2006 (at least, in my part of the world). I can't really leave personal replies to reviews anymore, as per rules, but I would like to thank you all for your suppoty, nagging, threats, and entertainments. It is done.


End file.
